I Weighed the Options

Running out of gas is something I've done too numerous times to count. This is just not a big deal to me. So you run out of gas, big whoop. Some people are absolutely terrified of the possibility of this but I'm okay with it. In fact sometimes I almost welcome the idea, like when I'm running 45 minutes late for work and I'm by myself and I think "oh if I could only run out of gas that's like the best late excuse ever then I could call Marie and ask her to come pick me up from the side of the road and she'll feel so sorry for me there'll be no yelling..."

Three days ago I was almost out of gas. Two days ago the needle hit the red. Yesterday I finally decided the dreadful time had come and I would stop. All day long I put it off until I got to the last gas station before my house. I pulled in, already dreading the bitter cold and the draining of my debit card for a useless fuel-like product.

Except there was no gas. All the pumps had bags over them. Hmmm, this wasn't part of the plan.

So this morning I cranked my car (and yes I was running late). I was a teensy bit worried because as much as I don't mind running out of gas myself I don't want to run out with Cooper. I was relieved when I approached the station and saw that the bags had been removed, whew, dodged that bullet...then I saw the sign "PREMIUM GAS ONLY".

What?! Premium?! That crap's expensive! I weighed my options. I really didn't want to buy premium...I could try to make it into town to the next station...I gave this serious consideration...Worst case scenario I run out and have to call my dad to come bring me gas...now those who know Thorney know that even in the best of moods he's still a tad scary and probably me running out of gas with his PRECIOUS, NEVER DOES ANYTHING WRONG, PERFECT, LOVE OF HIS LIFE, FIRSTBORN GRANDSON in the backseat with the temperature below freezing would NOT qualify as putting him in the best of moods...

So I sucked it up and gave $10.01 that I'll never see again just to make my gas needle move to the middle of the red instead of below it.

You may have won this time gas pump but you're on my list.

i think i have LOOK A YELLOW CAT!!! a.d.d.

"Distraction, random, a.d.d., distraction, staring into space, a.d.d., flighty, a.d.d." Words to describe me lately. Not lately, always. I realized today (after Mrs. Posey kindly reminded me) that it had been over a month since I've blogged last. WHAT THE WHAT?! That's craziness but I've been "distracted"...


It started with mom's 50th birthday. Sometime around October me and the Becster realized that our wonderful mommy was about to celebrate fifty marvelous years of life on this planet and we should try to think of something creative and fun and meaningful for her birthday. (Something more meaningful than an Applebee's giftcard...pffft like there even is such a thing).


So we deliberated and brainstormed and finally decided on "THE PROJECT". This is what we would refer to anytime we were around mom to make her crazy. We would whisper incessantly and were always talking in code and whenever mom would look our way we would reply "it's THE PROJECT, don't worry about it!" And of course she knew we were doing something for her birthday, she just didn't know what. So she would roll her eyes and say "now girls please, please don't be planning anything big, you know I don't like being the center of attention!" We'd just laugh manically, ONE because we're mean like that and TWO because at times during this this project we were very sleep deprived and delirious.


We had decided to commit fifty random acts of kindness, all in honor of mom and video ourselves doing them and set the whole thing to music. Now I take absolutely no credit for the actual technical part of this project. Becca was the video and download and upload and WHATEVER guru. My job was to occasionally turn the camera one and even with that we have a lot of outtakes of me doing that at the wrong time.


So we started our acts and they varied GREATLY. We did a wide range of everything from giving some Vietnamese directions to taking a friend to chemo to bringing Kenneth at walmart coffee to sending a solider in Iraq a package. We even had a gun pulled on us once. But it turned out it was our friend so he didn't shoot us. The whole time this was going on I kept thinking I HAVE TO BLOG ABOUT THIS but then I couldn't because my mom is still one of the faithful twelve...and then THE JIG WOULD HAVE BEEN UP...(I use that as absolute often as possible).


Some of my personal favorites were delivering balloons to the nurse's desk and asking her to give them to a patient who hadn't gotten any, randomly picking mailboxes and leaving encouraging cards (in the pitch dark and no Becca the mini storage does NOT count)...and taping quarters to a vending machine. Basically it was all fun and I would love to share the video with you except now all of a sudden Becca's knowledge of tech things vanishes and she swears she doesn't know how to post it to the internet in any way, shape or fashion. So if anyone has any thoughts on how to do this (it's like thirty minutes long) (and VERY entertaining) contact Bec...


Okay so that was basically my excuse for not blogging until November 17th...after that I can only blame amazon and my credit card for taking up an extraordinary amount of time online Christmas shopping.


Let's see, what else has happened in the last month...


I lost someone that I cared deeply about. She was my teacher in high school but so much more than that. I babysat her precious boys who are now little adults which totally blows my mind.


SIDE NOTE: While talking to Ben and Will at the funeral home they told me their favorite memories of me babysitting. These memories included the time I was driving, someone cut me off and I decided that was time to introduce the Mayfield boys to my arsenal of teenage cuss words and the time I was driving and we got pulled over by a state trooper...Now I don't know that this attests very much to my excellent driving skills nor my babysitting abilities but at least they have memories!!!

Last January I saw Mechelle at walmart and she called me over and she was like "I have something for you" and she handed me $60.00 and I'm like "what in the world?! I am NOT taking that!!!" But she made me and she said it was for Cooper and she had hoped to see me before Christmas but I was to take it and spend it on that baby and the only thing she wanted in return was for me to one day pay it forward. I cried that day because if only she had known how much more that meant to me...or how very much we needed that $60.00 right then...

When she went in the hospital this last time it was a bit before Thanksgiving so I had a plan. I figured she'd be home by Thanksgiving but tired and needing to rest so I was thinking I could do a Thanksgiving dinner for her and her family (not that I could cook crazy things like turkey but my mom and grandma can and I was going to enlist help). I was excited because it seemed like a good way to pay forward something wonderful back to her. Who was to thought that I would never have this opportunity because she passed away just days before Thanksgiving. I felt like my heart would break into a thousand pieces. Why is it that you don't even realize how much you yearn to talk to someone until you can't and then it all hits you like a brick wall...

Ughghghgghgh okay so this blog has turned incredibly sad and not at all what I had in mind. Just know ShelleyBean that I'll spend a lifetime making sure I pay it forward every chance I get.

DEAR KARMA,

I guess you didn't appreciate it yesterday when I made fun of my car on facebook. I guess it pissed you off. I guess you decided to get revenge...

So yesterday we're getting ready to go to church and I decided I had a few extra minutes, I'd take this time to tighten up the carseat. Now I'm a self proclaimed carseat nazi. I always keep Coop in the backseat, in the middle because it's the safest. So I'm pulling on the seatbelt to tighten it and THE WHOLE EFFING FRONT PART OF THE CLIP JUST COMES RIGHT THE EFF OFF IN MY HAND. Well that would have done a *mother puppy* lot of good had we been in a crash. It just FELL OFF. The seatbelt literally fell apart IN MY HANDS. Now my car is a piece of crap as far as the engine (and other unimportant parts) go but I thought the seatbelts were fine. My car is by no means new but it's a '99 which doesn't seem old enough for me to be able to rip away factory installed parts by my very own hands.

I was pissed. And livid. And had no greater urge than to light my car on fire and then push it down a hill and then spit on it.

So I moved Cooper to the side seat (aka: death seat) and we proceeded to church all the while I'm trying my VERY BEST to remember we're on our way to church, ON OUR WAY TO CHURCH, I have to be good, I'm teaching tonight, I cannot commit car murder yet...Not yet. I want my car to die.

It's very unsettling to think about what *could* have happened. It's really nerve wracking to know that I'm still driving the mother puppy P.O.S. and I'm sure that the other seatbelts are going to crumble at any minute.

I have never been so disheartened by a material object or as livid as a consumer as I am now. And that's saying a lot considering I have owned things such as a crimper and the beadazzler. I haven't exactly set my standards high. But this is crossing a line.

I have literally spent hours the last couple of days pouring over consumer reports, safety reviews and national safety charts trying to find the absolute best booster seats to purchase. My head is filled with trivia about 5 point harnesses, high backs, no backs, side impact wings and all of this is FOR NOUGHT CONSIDERING MY SEATBELTS FALL APART WHEN YOU TOUCH THEM.

So last night I'm telling Craig how this is unacceptable and something needs to be done and he's all like "it's okay, I'll look at it, probably I can fix it." Fix it? FIX IT?! This is not something that can be *fixed* with duck tape like we *fix* most things, this is our child's safety!

But it's okay, I've had a night to sleep on it. I'm calmer now. I'm rational. And I'm still pissed. But boy isn't chevrolet going to be sorry they messed with this girl. I mean I plan to bash and boycott them from now until forever. I guess when they teamed up with karma they didn't know this *mother pupper* had a blog with a following of TWELVE.

So suck it, karma. (And chevy, as for you, I wish you nothing but death).

My To Do List (and a litte bit of NATE the GREAT)

(my list) was going to include "BLOG" but I decided I could just knock that one out now. So I've gotten a few comments such as "friggin loser, where the F are you and why haven't you blogged in like a million years". Honestly, I have no excuse except that I *maybe* live the most boring life of anyone you know and probably no one could really give a care less what mundane crap I've been up to.

So halloween was fun. Cooper was a cowboy which I thought was totally cute and unique and a little old school until I found out every kid under the age of five was Woody from Toy Story. To clarify, Cooper was a COWBOY, not Woody.

I recently found out that a good friend (what up nate-nate?!) was going for his doctorate (honestly that's probably spelled wrong and I should take the time to point out now that I am NOT going for any type of higher education). So anyway he jokingly put on facebook that he'll soon require his friends to address him with his proper "doctor" title. I then immediately asked if he would deliver my next baby because it was the most inappropriate thing I could come up with on short notice. He then sent me a text message to the effect of: *gag* and *NOOOOO* and *i thought you were through having babies*. I then replied that I would be willing to bring my uterus out of retirement if the conditions were right (which by the way I thought was AMAZINGLY witty), however unfortunately he ceased to find the humor in it.

Shocking that the *good doctor's* sense of humor was the first thing to go..

I have come to the CONCLUSION that:

~I can't rescue ALL the cats in the world and I must be satisfied with the five I've managed to adopt.

~Cooper is beyond what we ever imagined our child could be and we truly won the genetic lottery and could never do it again therefore he might have to be an only child.

~I had always wanted a housefull of kids before Cooper but now I'm not so sure and it's not because he's horrible, it's because he's grand!

~Me and Craig both lucked out on the mother in law thing. We wouldn't trade with anyone in the world.

~A little part of me will always *belong* at the dippers.

~As of today I am officially behind on Christmas shopping.

~We're stuck with the crappy new phones and so for now on I'll have to curb my desire to light them on fire...forever.

~I was not meant to be GCIC certified.

~No matter how much I try I'm just not a dog person.

~I'm going to stop letting other's opinions, thoughts and comments dictate how I run my house.

~Planning a cruise may just be the best therapy ever.

~Vegetarian chili (no matter how good in theory), is just not good.

~No matter how often we have tacos I crave them.

~I will never come up with a name I like more than 'Cooper'. Sometimes I hear people say it and I think to myself "man, that is an AWESOME name!".

~Negative people just annoy me. (Let me clarify. Some may see me as 'negative' but I am far from it. I am 'sarcastic'. Sarcastic is negative's hilarious older cousin).

~This post is going nowhere and I should wrap it up.

~I'll do my best to do something humiliating/blog worthy today.

I guess I've CROSSED-OVER

I never meant to be trans-gendered but I fear that it's happened...

Surprisingly this is a product of me being so very cheap errrr FRUGAL. Let me paint you the picture...

Okay so the last time I bought tennis shoes I found a pair of men's that were way cheaper and more comfortable so YEAH I went for it.

A few months ago we found incredible deals (as in we were getting them for free) so we stocked up on body wash (men's) and deodorant (MEN'S).

Most recently we got new uniforms for work. You know how most women have hips so most women's shirts flare a little at the bottom to account for this? And most men are straight up and down so their shirts are straight? Well the flockers at the sheriff's office thought we wouldn't notice so I'm guessing they cheaped out and ordered us the cheapest effing men's shirts they could find.

Now all of these things separately aren't that bad. But this morning I had kind of a perfect storm type scenario. I ran out of my deodorant so this means:

~I'm wearing a man's shirt.

~I washed with men's body wash.

~I have on men's shoes.

~I put on men's deodorant.

~And apparently I'm using a man's toothbrush.

Gretchen's Theory

Gretchen has a theory. She also has a blog but her latest post is about her upcoming wedding and it shows her trying on wedding dresses so...I guess we can't count on her to blog about this since she also forgot important events such as OH I DON'T KNOW, HER MARRIAGE AND THE BIRTH OF HER SON.

Anyway so we were discussing the latest developments on 'Desperate Housewives' and Paul (who was recently released from prison when it was found that he didn't actually kill Felicia), (even though he did kill her sister Mrs. Huber, although the authorities don't know about that yet) he recently showed back up on Wisteria Lane and then much to everyone's dismay his wife showed up! We were like "WHAT'S THAT NOW, YOU GOT MARRIED IN PRISON?!" And yep sure enough, he did.


So according to my friend (ANGELA)! this is a whole phenomenon. She reads all kinds of real life serial killer books and shockingly they have a whole following. Apparently if you find yourself lonely and alone and you kill someone then you're sure to have a long list of single ladies wanting to hook up with you. (Although there is that pesky "death sentence thing" to worry about...)

So we start talking about serial killers and whatnot and the conversation goes something like this:

• me: "I really don't see what's so appealing about a murderer."
• gretch: "Oh I totally get it! Think about it, all serial killers are suave and dress nice and very charming."
• me: "Oh my gosh, you're right!"
• gretch: "I know! That's why if I'm every stranded somewhere I'm picking out the scruffiest, roughest looking person I can and I'm asking him for help! Because those guys in the suites, yeah they'll kill ya!'

the PHONES want us all DEAD.

As if my job wasn't bad enough we got new phones last week. Now some of you are going "new phones! wow! I'd love to have new phones!" Well let me assure you, you don't want these phones, these phones are possessed. These are the type of phones that you want to throw in the floor, stomp repeatedly and light on fire all the while yelling, "DAMN THE DEVIL TO HELL!"


Our first indication that these weren't "normal" phones should have been the fact that we had to take an hour long "training" class on how to use them. We were thinking, "training? Really? For a phone?" We got cocky and thought surely as fully functioning adults we could figure out how to operate a telephone! That's what the phone wants you to believe. It wants to lure you in, thinking that you're smarter than it. Newsflash: you're not.


So everyone's extension changed. Not a big deal (EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE YET TO PASS AROUND A LIST). And sure there's a high tech company directory that you can access to find an extension BUT if you're on the line with someone you can't pull that up. So in the many, (MANY) (THOUSANDS) of instances that people call the sheriff's office and want to speak with (ANYONE) you have no idea where to transfer them to. So Alida made us a preliminary list and we tried to find the numbers that people ask for the most so now when someone calls instead of just blinding staring into space and counting down the minutes until we can leave this forsaken place we can feverishly flip through a notebook to try and find where we chicken-scratched that investigator's extension earlier...and then you count how many minutes until you can leave this forsaken place.

Probably the most annoying thing about the phones is that there is no overhead page. So you try to get ahold of someone. If they don't answer their office phone your only choice is to try their (often personal) cell phone. This is how that goes:

• RING RING RING
• (annoyed person): YEAH?
• (me, being falsely chipper): "Hey there, it's shannon [from up front] I tried your office but couldn't get you, are you in the building?"
• (seemingly MORE annoyed person): I'm in the FRIGGIN crapper, what the *puppy* do you want?"
• (me, flustered): "Oh...ummmm...you have a visitor..."
• (person): disgruntled murmurings under their breath...

Yeah so we can't page...BUT as one of my captains pointed out, we CAN make an eighteen person conference call...if we ever have a need for that...

It's also got a nifty little feature where if someone hasn't set up there voicemail (which you can imagine everyone jumped right on because that's got to be simple right...) anyway so if there voicemail isn't hooked up then after so many rings it connects the caller to the commissioners office. So we've had a very confused clerk returning many calls because GUESS WHAT, it's not her job to know if your UNCLE-BROTHER has a bond yet...

the one with the BULLETS

• I worry about random things. Today I started thinking about how our last name is 'sexton' and probably the kids will make fun of Cooper. Then I got to work and saw the last name 'sprinkle' and decided that sexton wasn't so bad.
• Sometimes I accidentally set Craig up with baited questions:

me: "Who's the prettiest woman in hollywood?"

craig: "I can't think of anyone."

me: "Oh come on, I'm not going to get mad, just tell me!"

craig: "I don't want to say."

me: "Gah, it's just a game, COME ON!"

craig: "Well I think that the girl that plays Beckette on 'Castle' is pretty..."

(2 days later) me: "I can understand why you don't want to look at me, after all, I'm no freakin Beckette!"

craig: (inward groan)

• So I watched the first epi this season of 'Private Practice' and to it's credit I haven't seen the the second epi yet so maybe it's more promising but HONESTLY 'private practice', I have to ask the question HAVE YOU JUMPED THE SHARK? Because it was more of the same old crap. Pete loves Violet, Violet gets scared and runs away because OH GUESS WHAT, Violet you're a nut case. And then there's Charlotte and Cooper and surprise, surprise they love each other but fight like cats and dogs. And then we have Adison and Sam who love each other but of course are too scared to tell Naomi even though she's moved on and it's really none of her business but you have to understand, Naomi is a "mother puppy witch."
• "Jumping the Shark" started with 'Happy Days' when after a very successful run the writers decided to have Fonzi literally jump over a shark with a surf board. After that there was no where to go but down. It symbolizes the peak of a show and it's ultimate demise after that.
• Why do I know such random and useless trivia but I can't remember which is 'dessert' and which is 'desert'?
• Last week we made a pact to have a mini date night this weekend and go see the movie with Katherine Heigl since it wasn't out last week. I am totally holding Craig to this.
• Ever since we left the Cheesecake Factory I've had remorse that I didn't even try a slice of cheesecake. It seems like kind of a waste.
• Tonight is ziti night and there's not much that can be better than that.
• We have a trip planned to the "pumpkin patch" as Coop calls it and I'm hoping that it proves to be as magical as he's imagining.
• Bec and I have a major project that we really, really need to start working on. In fact BEC, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, STOP AND WORK ON THE THING.
• Cato may be my very favorite store ever and if I could I would possibly spend all of my money there.
• Christmas is only eighty days away...
• I almost gave myself a mini panic attack after that last statement.

OUR BIG NIGHT OUT

So for the first time in, oh I don't know, FOREVER, me and the Craigster had a date night.

We started off the day kind of rocky. Craig woke me up to ask me where my wallet was because he wanted to go get a haircut. In the process he managed to wake Cooper up too. And once Cooper is up on a Saturday, he's UP. This was at 8:30. Too early for a weekend, grrrrrr.

I tried to convince Cooper more sleep would be fun! Yay for laying really still with your eyes closed! Woo hoo! Yeah, he was not buying it. So I thought maybe he could entertain himself while I kind of catnapped. And he did. He made his own fun by jumping up and down on the bed until he fell off on his head.

At this point I called Craig and yelled at him for waking us up. GREAT WAY TO START A DATE NIGHT.

So we got up, manage to get dressed and Cooper was all like "noooo I don't want to put pants on" and running away and flipping over and going crazy and I'm calling my mom going "yeah I know it's just 10:00 in the morning but are you SURE you don't want Cooper's spend the night party to start now?!?!

So Craig came home and started to work on his math homework and Coop and me went to town. We went to Cato so I could find a fun new outfit and so Cooper could reck havoc on the clothes and scream bloody murder and try to flip out of the stroller and make people stare at me while I grab his flailing arm and threaten to spank him and kill scooby doo and SURE people were judging me and I was all "IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER WITH THIS KID BY ALL MEANS PLEASE INTERVENE!"

Then he calmed down and I remembered that I loved him (and still like scooby a little bit) so we got lunch and went to the park and swang and had tons of fun.

So DATE NIGHT!

I was getting ready and being a little sad that I was going to miss Cooper so much and for a second I was like maybe he could come eat with us and then I remembered the Cato incident and I'm like "OKAY CRAIG, I'M READY, LET'S GET THE HECK OUT BEFORE MY PARENTS CHANGE THEIR MIND."

We went to The Cheesecake Factory and it was really, really good! I can't believe I've never eaten there before. Then we stopped at the movies but really there wasn't anything we wanted to see so we rented a movie and went home and we cuddled on the couch and I fell asleep before the opening credits were through so don't ask me how 'Clash of the Titans' went, I have no clue!

I thought I would have trouble sleeping with Coop not being there but once I went to bed I slept through the entire night (very unusual), normally I'm up at least three of four times.

So Date Night was fabulous! Cooper had a blast with Grandpa, Nee and Bec and I definitely think we need to do it again soon!

(In fact, mom and bec, what are y'all doing Saturday night? Care for a tiny little visitor?)

The Boring One

I just realized that it's been a week since I last posted...that must be remedied.

I really don't have anything terribly exciting to say but I guess I'll say it anyway.

On Wednesday Craig and I celebrated *scratch that* HAD our 8th wedding anniversary. We're planning a big shindig *scratch that* APPLEBEE'S this weekend. No seriously, we are going out and we're going to be more adventurous than usual...we're still open for suggestions, so far The Cheesecake Factory is winning.

OH, I did book a cruise for next year, yesterday. Happy Anniversary to me, I guess...Craig doesn't know yet...he'll probably be fine with it...

While booking the cruise I came to the conclusion that probably I should work for Royal Caribbean because I seemed to know a heck of a lot more than the guy getting paid to book it.

This morning I woke up and it was 69 degrees in my house and I was like "YES, SWEET FALL!"

This is become beyond boring, I'm coming back later, hopefully with hilarious tid bits...

Late Night ramblings with a little bit of flea

It's after 12:30 am and tomorrow is a work day so when I'm late I'm totally throwing you eleven under the bus. "It's not my fault Marie, eleven people had a feva and the only prescription was more Shan..."

See I would have gotten around to blogging before now but I'm not sure if you're aware but it's "RED CARPET PREMIERE WEEK" (according to abc) and just about a million shows premiered that I love and I feel obligated to keep up with all of them because what if, forbid I'm in some high powered conference and the conversation suddenly turns to 'THE MODERN FAMILY'?! Well not knowing what happened could be detrimental to my job and I really don't want that so I need to be kept abreast...(by the by it was an awesome episode where Mitchell gets stuck in a princess castle and Manny goes on a date)...anyway...

This blog could totally take a turn for "tv commentary". But hey look at Frank Nicotero, his whole job is to watch tv shows and then do mini para-phrases and say funny things about them. HELLO, I COULD SO DO THAT.

Also I blame Daddy Scratches for my late night. (And no that's not my kinky name for Craig). He's a guy with a blog. It's pretty hilarious and once you start you can't stop, you feel the need to keep hitting more, more, more! I would provide a link but I seriously doubt my eleven would be interested. He's a bit more worldly than me and he drops the dreaded F-bomb in every other paragraph which I can simply ignore and skip over while reading in my head however probably some of you would be offended. Let's face it, I was facing mutiny that one time I said 'ASS' not meaning the donkey thing. I heard the off handed grumbles from some of you and the occasional "off with her head" and I wanted to scream back, "HOW CAN YOU BE SURE I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT A DONKEY?!"

Hey Mom, you know those thousand boxes of rolaids we got for free with our coupons? Tonight I have a use for them. I have eaten like a half a roll while sitting here which is so weird because I never have heartburn, ever! (Except when I was pregnant which I am now, NOT). But Craig and Becca have the heartburn all the time and I make fun of them and say things like "oh so I guess you're eighty and stuff" and then it was like God finally got sick of the bantering and went "okay here's how it feels to have your esophagus ON FIRE". And no I will never make fun of you guys again. (Until I'm sure I'm over my episode and then we'll see...)

Side Note: I noticed after I typed that last paragraph that I had put "craig and becca have THE heartburn all the time). I was going to erase it but then I left it in hopes that maybe it will catch on like how people say "I'm headed to THE J&J" or "want to go to THE walmart". People will say "gosh what's wrong with so n so, he don't look so good?" And other people will reply "you know him, he's got THE heartburns." I don't know, maybe this catch phrase is only a pipe dream...

So still no air conditioner, still hot weather but tonight I am wearing pants so that's an improvement. And for all you crazy environmentalists that "conserve" listen to this. Even though my air is clearly not working every couple of days I flip it on and let it run for twelve hours straight hoping that maybe "it'll kick on". How's that for "excessive use of energy". Why am I so proud of something that's going to cost me a fortune with the electric company? Am I really so brazen that I find any excuse to be belligerent? I think I am.

It's one..I'm clearly delirious. Most people would wrap it up but I'm all like "HEY, what else can I tell y'all?! Obviously I'm thinking straight...what family secrets haven't I touched on yet?" I also feel very southern, I've used 'y'all' an awful lot in one post.

So the other night I asked Becca to help me put flea medicine on my cats. The directions are simple enough; hold cat still, separate the hair at the base of the neck, apply topical solution, DO NOT LET CAT LICK THE AREA, the end. Except you're talking about a cat. For those of you who aren't proud cat owners, the whole "hold cat still" part is (beeeeeep).

We cornered Dudlei first as she had made the fatal error of laying on the back of the couch during "go time" and she was convenient. Bec "held her down" while I wrestled with the packaging and tried for the life of me to "separate the fur". For those who haven't met Dudlei she is not a small cat. She is very large and where large people have fat rolls she has fur rolls and I couldn't find the exposed skin the package had urged me to! She was getting a little fiesty so I finally just squirted it in the area of her head, into a large mass of fur and thought to myself "that was $16.50 well spent. Kudos to you 'hartz inc' THAT'S ONE!"

The application of Mercy's med wasn't bad. She was fairly still and good but she has the neck of a circus owl and can simultaneously lick any part of her body while flying a trapeze so within minutes she was crouched in a corner, foaming at the mouth. (Terrifying the first time it happened until I read the fine print that said this would happen with "accidental ingestion" and goes away within fifteen minutes).

Then there was Jay-Jay. I say this with the utmost love in my heart, "Jay-Jay must be borderline retarded". She is very slow in her actions and you know how most cats have excellent balance? Well she falls off of EVERYTHING. Many of times we've heard a loud crash only to find her behind the tv or dresser covered in spider webs and looking embarrassed. Don't worry Jay-Jay, we love you anyway! She is also deathly afraid of our man-child. She runs and hides basically whenever he's awake.

After searching for awhile Bec finally found her napping under our bed. She was trying to coax her out and she kept encouraging Cooper to go to the kitchen (in other words, far, far away from the cat who's terrified of him and not likely to voluntarily be in an open space in the same room with him). Finally I go into the bedroom to see what's taking so long and I find Bec laying in the floor, staring under the bed, chanting "jayjay, jayjay, jayjay" while dangling come computer cords in her eyesite. She said she was trying to lure her out but everytime she got close Coop when run and jump on the bed and yell "JAYJAY" and she'd retreat farther. I started laughing, just because...I don't know, now it doesn't seem that funny (I know in the morning when I re-read this it won't be funny) but at the time it started hysteria.

So I'm looking for something that maybe I could prode her with and finally I get the idea to just use Coop. (Not to physically prode but to mentally smoke her out). So we send the kid in. Except he goes to the wrong side and before long now she's right in the middle, next up to the crib and there's not way we can reach her. Here's where the brains kick in. I tell Bec I'll just lift (our queen size mattress and box spring) and she should just grab her. I get it lifted (kinda) and Bec is helping and then I think I can do it alone so I'm like "okay go for it" so she lets go and then I'm like "Arggg I'm losing it" and then I look to see that Coop has his head stuck in where the mattresses are going to be landing so I'm holding on with all my might and at that point I realize I have to pee so bad I'm seriously going to go on myself and I'm screaming at Coop to move his precious head and I'm telling Bec "get out, get out, it's too dangerous I'm dropping them, go, save yourself" and we look and Jay-Jay is sitting across the room watching us. We're not sure exactly how long she had been there.

So then we're all laughing and I'm trying to stand cross legged so as not to pee myself and she grabs the Jay and I'm trying to open the tube and she's all like "SERIOUSLY, you couldn't have already HAD THAT DONE" because by now Jay is feeling all paranoid and the schizophrenia starts to kick in and she's all like "let me outta here man, I don't know nothin" and we're all trying to stay calm and I'm trying to find skin and THERE'S NO SKIN because the cat is all fur and she's started to really panic and the laughing continues, so much in Dudlei fashion I more or less throw the medicine on her and how much of it actually applied there's no way of knowing unless of course in a week if you find us eaten alive by the fleas that took advantage of the fact that the medicine was either flung into space or ingested and the "July like temperatures" we're experiencing here in the Sexton household.

And if that happens, know that we did not go down without a fight.

Chopped or Burned to death?

Our air conditioner stopped working AGAIN early last week. At the beginning of the summer (when it was also NOT working) and we had someone come fix it they told us they were doing a short term fix and that it wouldn't last and we would eventually have to replace the coils (sounds expensive) or get a whole new unit. The fact that this was a "short fix" came as no surprise to us as every single summer we've had to pay someone to come out and do something to make our air work. (Every single summer since we built our house seven years ago). Now I don't claim to be an expert on the life expectancy of air conditioner units but this seems excessive...So I told Craig it's already September, surely we can make do until next summer and then we'll look at the buying a whole new thing.

September sounds cool. It doesn't sound like summer. It gives the hint of Fall. Of freedom. Of a time where you don't have to worry about literally dying just from stepping out of your house from heat exhaustion.

Or so I thought.

Every day last week by the time we'd get home the temperature in our house would be bareable. Slightly uncomfortable but doable with a few fans going. (Now keep in mind we keep our thermostat set anywhere from 67-69 so anything above that feels hot to us).

What we hadn't considered while we were congratulating ourselves on being so "go with the flow", "frugal" and "accommodating" was that during the hottest part of the day we were at our air conditioned jobs...

That all changed this weekend.

Side Note: There is quit a difference in the temp at 12:00 noon and 9:00 at night.

So Saturday came and we started to sweat. And sweat. And yell. And be miserable. Heat makes normally pleasant people turn into raging miserable lunatics and misery loves company so we tried to drag each other further down with us into our never ending pit sweaty sadness.

Some snippets of conversation from this weekend:

#1
Craig: "I'm just going to drop this stupid math class, it's hard, I hate it."
Me: "Yeah way to go, just quit the first time something gets a little hard, TYPICAL.
Craig: "YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU'RE NOT THE ONE TAKING IT!"
Me: "I know I do plenty of crap I don't want to do, SUCH AS, cooking these *beep* tacos in a thousand degree weather."
Craig: (angrily getting out his books and throwing them onto the coffee table)
Me: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, don't study in here, me and Cooper will have to walk around on eggshells, go the bedroom."
Craig: "HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE BEDROOM?, it's like a furnace in there!"
Me: "Have you been in the kitchen? IT'S LIKE A FURNACE IN HERE!"

#2
Cooper: "Hold me."
Me: "Awwww are you mommy's baby today?"
Cooper: "No, baby Jaxon!"
Me: "Oh you're baby Jaxon, okay, here you go baby Jaxon, let mommy rock you."
Cooper: (most annoying screeching sound ever): "WAAHHHAA-EHEHE-EHWAHAHA"
Me: "OKAY THIS GAME IS OVER NOW."

#3
Craig: (while looking at the exercise bike seat) "UGH, stupid cats!"
Me: (sighing and sweating) "WHAT?"
Craig: "I can feel little prick marks where the stupid cats have clawed the seat."
Me: (flouncing over to the seat) "I don't see anything."
Craig: "It's there! I can feel them! We're getting the cats declawed!" No, fine, better yet I'll just order a new seat every time one of them ruins it!"
Me: (silence as I walk to bed)
Craig: (laying in bed) *sighing* *huffing* *breathing WAY too loud
Me: (sitting up) "Why do you completely fly off the friggin handle over a stupid bike seat THAT ISN'T EVEN RUINED but yet we're going to have to replace our whole vanity cabinet and sink in the bathroom thanks to a leak we've had for six years that YOU'VE never bothered to fix. Why? WHY?!
Craig: "Well I'm sorry I like to keep my things nice!"
Me: (flinging my broken cell phone across the bed) "Well I'm sorry that I don't have any "THINGS" to keep nice. Everything I own is second hand crap that's already half broken so it doesn't matter how nice I keep it. How long would you have a crappy broken phone? HOW LONG?!
Craig: "Probably a couple days..."
Me: "Probably a couple FREAKIN hours because you always have to have the best of everything so don't talk to me about all your STUFF. I'd like to have stuff, in fact I'd like to have an air conditioner that works right about now!"

#4 (Trying to find just the *right* pile of crap to position the fan on so that we can all feel it while lying in bed):

Craig: "How about now?"

Me: "Nope, I can't feel it at all."

Craig: "Now?"

Me: "Scoot it to that pile...now try to prop it with that box."

Craig: "Ugh, it's not working! Now?"

Me: "No, kick that crap out of the way and try *that* pile."

This pretty much sums up Saturday.

Sunday was better. We were expecting the irritation, aggravation and bitterness that came along with being this hot and we prepared ourselves.

Our only mishap on Sunday was last night as we got ready for bed Cooper wanted to watch Scooby Doo. We currently had the crazy, industrial type, scary fan plugged in and there wasn't enough plugs. This fan came from Craig's shop and I don't know where he got it but it's huge, loud and something that would very much cut off your fingers. Also I'm pretty sure it's jury rigged since we have to unplug it to turn it off, there's no switch...(we're all about the safety at our house, just hire us for all your toddler-proofing needs...)

Also, I'm pretty sure at least one of our smoke detectors doesn't work since it constantly beeps (like every two minutes), a small annoyance we've just learned to live with and ignore and NO we don't know what's causing it and even though the consensus is that it's the batteries it's not supposed to have batteries it's supposed to be wired straight to the electricity so WHO KNOWS.

Okay so we have the crazy, scary fan (which Craig finally rigged up sitting in a chair tied to the back of the chair with an old shoelace so it doesn't come crashing down).

(HOWDY AND WELCOME TO WHITE TRASH MANNOR, YUNS COME SIT DOWN AND STAY AWHILE. THAT STENCH? YEAH WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS EITHER...)

So the fans on (and there's no way I'm turning it off) so we're improvising with Scooby. I find an extension cord and plug the tv into that so that we can have both scooby and the fan (except that there's no way we could ever hear scooby because THIS FAN is so incredibly loud, it's much like what you'd hear at the airport...when a thousand planes are taking off at once...and sucking large birds into their engines...and crash landing...THAT'S WHAT THIS FAN IS LIKE. (Okay and I'm wearing my gauchos from old navy or as Craig calls them my Samurai pants because they have these really long stips of cloth that tie on the side and okay so they do a little look like a Samurai). As I reach down to position the extension cord onto (A PILE OF CRAP) the horrific fan grabs my Samurai ties and TWWWWWTWWWWWWWTWWWWWTWWWWWWTTTWWWWWWWWMMMAAAAAMM
"AAAGGGGHHHHH MY PANTS, THE FAN!!!!" I manage. Craig walks in to find me desperately jerking my pants out of the mighty blades that wanted me and my pants dead. We both survived, barely.

Surprisingly we all made it through the night. I thought for sure even if we weren't chopped into little pieces our house would burn down, what with all the extension cords laying on piles of clothes and fans that *aren't really* made for nighttime use and the fact that our smoke detectors DON'T WORK.

Seriously, we suck.

I'm THAT old

I have concluded from the verbal comments from my last blog that people LOVE IT when other people fall. I am no exception. This one time in high school we were playing volleyball and this girl slips going for the ball, lands flat on her back, eventually gets taken away on a stretcher and we learn the poor girl actually broke her coccyx or something and I swear to you I could NOT stop laughing while she layed there. Human nature is mean.

This weekend is our tenth year high school reunion...I KNOW, HOW OLD AM I, RIGHT?!?!??! I didn't sign up for the dinner because I figured why pay $65.00 to make lame conversation with people whom I didn't ever know what to say to, even while we were in school, instead I'll just stalk them for free on facebook...I did sign up for the ice cream social part but now I'm thinking about skipping that too. (Sorry Brigette!) I'm truthfully just not in a very nostalgic mood. Plus I'm lazy. And I could show up to the social in pajamas but it would probably be frowned upon. And probably people with fancy iphones would take pictures of me and then when I got home it would be on facebook. (And I'd have to respond with a pic of me shooting a bird and saying "well yippie ki yea mother puppies" and that just would never do).

My Mother Puppy Fall

Craig (and probably God) would prefer it if I didn't cuss on my blog (or in person) so I'm going to go the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. route and REPLACE a word I would really, REALLY like to be saying with the word 'puppy'.

We (me and marie) have a box that we take to the courthouse every day. It contains folders, court papers, tickets, mail, etc plus a whole bunch of puppy crap that never gets taken out (such as a thousand paperclips, miscellaneous slips of paper and about three hundred dollars worth of pennies). We take our box and go to the various offices and do our rounds, dropping off and picking up.

-Side Note: the steps in the courthouse are open (as in there is open space between each step).

Well today I'm attempting to go up the stairs to the DA's office and I freakin trip on the step and my puppy arm goes through the mother puppy step so my left arm is just dangling in space while my shoulder slams hard and stops at the rock steps and I'm pretty sure I looked like one of the puppy racoons that gets their arm stuck in a trap and wriggles and wriggles and can't break loose and the box (oh that mother PUPPY box), gets flung up in the air, what with all the thrashing about and all of the five thousand contents come flying out and land anywhere from on top of me to thirty feet away (some of which went through the steps scattering across the back part of the courthouse. I just lay there, defeated. Randy Pruitt comes to my rescue all the time going "are you okay, are you okay?" And I just lay there with my arm warped like a retarded racoon.

Finally I manage to get up and Randy and another good citizen help me gather all of the belongings and I go to DA's office (via the puppy elevator this time) and as I'm coming back down to leave Randy goes "Have a good day and be careful" and I'm all like if only you knew, that was the mother puppy understatement of the year.

To my fans:

I love you, I do! I haven't forgotten you, my life keeps getting bogged down with ridiculous things like my job. I will blog soon. You have my word. It will be awesome, it will be miraculous, it will be worth waiting for...(either that or it'll be more of the same boring crapola that keeps you eleven fans coming back).

LOVE YA!
~THE SHAN

Even if we did the wrong thing, it's too late now...

It's, I don't know, 1:00 in the morning maybe? 2:00? Time is a concept that has been completely lost on me today. I'm now at the stage where I'm so wired and exhausted I'll probably never get to sleep.

We went to my wonderful mother in law's house tonight for her birthday and so we were traveling home extremely late and I was soooooo tired on the way home, absolutely having to try and keep myself awake (which was pretty crucial seeing as how I was the one driving).

Anyway we came upon a wrecked truck on the way into town and as we slowly passed Becca goes "oh my gosh, that looked like Dustin's truck". So we find a place and turn around and sure enough it is our friend Dustin. So I precariously park on the side of the road and Craig jumps out to see if he's okay.

A few minutes later we see the officer pull in and Craig gets back in the car and says Dustin's walking around talking to someone on the phone and he has three friends there with him and the police just got there so we go ahead and leave.

The whole way home and even now I feel soooooo bad because I feel like maybe we should have stayed. If it was Craig that got in a wreck and someone we knew happened upon it I would want them to stay until I got there. And we WOULD HAVE STAYED had he not already had friends on the scene or looked like he was badly hurt but as it was it seemed pretty under control and we would have probably just been in the way BUT STILL!

So Satterfields know this, we love you guys and would do anything for you and next time no matter what, we're staying, even if it's just a fender bender...in the middle of the day...and obviously no one is hurt...and you even specifically tell us to LEAVE...we're staying anyway because sometimes I just feel the need to prove to people how much I love them...and sometimes I fail...

A Story of Poo, As Told by a Friend

Okay and this is not a "friend" like a made up person that I invented to tell this story because I didn't want people to think it was me. You know I own up to things I do, especially if it involves poo.

So this friend went out to eat the other night with a few others and while eating started to choke! Unfortunetly when she started to choke she started to cough violently and UNFORTUNTELY when she coughed a little poo came out.


So she runs to the bathroom (still coughing) (and apparently pooing).


I'm not positive of the exact order of the next chain of events but I'll do my best to paint the picture for you...


She finally extracts whatever is in her airway so she can breath again. She sits down on the toilet to take her underware off and because she's choked so much and coughed so much she gags so she jumps up to throw up in the toilet and YEP, you guessed it a little more poo comes out and lands on her shoes.


So now she's in a HECK of a pickle as she's pretty much covered in poo and about naked and she could really use some wet paper towels. She calls loudly (or to hear her tell it she YELLS) for her other friend to come assist. She contemplates running to the door (with no pants on), opening it yelling her friend's name and then running back to the stall. At this point I'm thinking if you're going to leave the stall sans pants anyway just get your own wet paper towels BUT you know how hard it is to think while covered in poo...

Anyway eventually her friend does come to check on her and she cleans up and manages to finish dinner but the best part of the story is while she's telling me this I'm laughing hysterically and uncontrollably and she's all like "yeah wait until you're my age, you won't be laughing because sometimes when you laugh that hard a little poo comes out!"

Oh the things I have to look forward to!

Side note: thanks so much to my friend who gave me permission to blog this, as it was too funny not to share with the world! Don't worry, your identity is safe with me ;)

Gee Thanks, MOM.

One of mom's friends (hey Mrs. Palacios!) told my mom that whenever she wanted to laugh she looked up my blog and she asked was I really that hilarious in person. My mom answers with "no, not really". Then she tells me this story! I'm like, "wow, thanks mom!" And she's like "well I meant sometimes your *normal*" Wait what?! It just gets worse and worse! Talk about family support...

Because I'm Selfless Like That:

I'm sitting up front at work and there is NO ONE in the lobby and NO ONE calling on the phone and NO ONE needing to go through electronic doors...I am very scared as this has to be the calm before the storm...I have plenty of things I could be doing (such as planning my next fabulous vacation) but instead I'm blogging for my followers. Love me. Love me now.

So vacay: I'm thinking five nights in Amish country (or as Angela would say, the AAAAmish) and then a nine night cruise to Canada/New England. I'm super excited about this cruise because I think I would actually have fun in ports like Bar Harbor and Boston whereas when I take a Caribbean or Bahamas cruise I get off the ship and want to die from the heat.

---SIDE NOTE: I would kind of like gravy and biscuits from breakfast which is weird because I don't really like gravy and biscuits...END SIDE NOTE---

Aarrrgggg my head hurts. My eyes feel puffy and my whole face hurts. I guess it's allergies or sinuses or something else non fatal.

(Apparently this has just turned into a 'random thoughts blog' so I'll not bother putting 'side note' just know that it's all 'side note'...)

I'm excited about our Pigeon Forge trip.

I'm not excited about the people starting to come into the lobby. Ugh.

I just recently learned that the phrase 'down the road' means going to prison; COOL!

Start Throwing Stones

This weekend is a fifth Sunday which means absolutely nothing to you unless you go to a church that cancels services on fifth Sundays. And in that case it's something you look forward to. Don't get me wrong, I love church, I LOVE IT, but to have a weekend with absolutely nothing to do is...glorious. And so few and far between.

For those who don't know, Craig was called to a ministry at a nursing home in Gainesville and he preaches there every 1st and 3rd sunday and does a Bible study every 2nd and 4th saturday. At first I had mixed emotions about this. As excited as I was about God using Craig I was also a little sad that we'd be missing home church two times a month. Especially now that Coop is old enough to actually participate a little in Sunday school and I just felt like he was going to be missing out on a vital part of childhood.

So I was kind of hoping that we'd go a few times and hate it and then I'd just go to our church on the Sundays that Craig had to preach. The first time we walked in and I thought to myself, ugh, nursing home, Lord, how long will it take me to accept this part of our life you have for us and how will I ever love these people the way you want me to? As the elderly patients began to gather I looked around and honestly it took about thirty seconds to fall in love. Craig and I both have our favorites and even Cooper has special ones that he bonds with. So as much as I didn't want to love this I do. I truely do.

I count it an honor to get to worship with these people. People who have seen wars and civil movements and depressions and probably make up the generation that has seen the absolute most change in their lifetime. I love to sit back and watch while we sing and even though we have songbooks and some of them hold them they're not at all looking at the words, they know them by heart. Sometimes they close their eyes and move their lips silently along with the words and I think "oh to be as close to God as these people are!"

I said that to say this, I do love the nursing home ministry *BUT* I thought we were off this weekend. I thought we had one of those oh so rare weekends that consisted of having no plans and doing nothing and YES I KNOW, that's horrible and lazy and all kinds of things but still sometimes it's nice. So when Craig informed me that he had checked and we were supposed to go Sunday even though it was a fifth Sunday and we thought we didn't have to and for a few minutes, I'll admit it, I whined, I fussed, I pouted. I wanted my weekend to be mine, I wanted to be the ruler of it and for a bit I absolutely resented having to go to the nursing home at all. (I KNOW, JUST TYPING THIS, I WANT TO PUNCH MY OWN SELF IN THE FACE).

Now I realize having one and two obligations a week is nothing. Shelli and Les just finished seven weeks of revivals which probably had day services too so you're talking about forty nine (49!) services. And I know that Sheryl and Nathan have had to go with the choir to so many different churches this year (although Nathan only gets half credit for this since he sometimes only stays for the singing), STILL THOUGH, there are people everywhere giving a lot more time to God than me and then I complain about this one thing. I'm especially humbled after reading a quote just yesterday that said "Time is God's gift to us so that we can give it back to Him."

I am a horrible person but the difference is I'll admit I'm horrible. I'll admit that sometimes on Sunday mornings I just DON'T want to get out of bed. Sometimes on Saturday I DON'T want to go to Bible study. Sometimes on Wednesdays it takes all of my stregth just to make it to church. I know this is on me. These are things that I need to work on and that I need to overcome. But everyone has their own weaknesses and the major difference is that I share mine with the world. I'm one of those loud hypocrites.

So let the throwing of stones commence. But when you're finished if you're church has been cancelled on Sunday come join us at the nursing home.

Because things like this JUST HAPPEN to me:

Rite Aid has a website where you can watch short videos and then it'll let you print off coupons. This website has taken every available measure to ensure that you would ACTUALLY watch the videos and not say for instance, turn them on and then pull up another window to surf the web or blog or any kind of crap like that. If you do minimize their site the video will stop and resume only when you click play again. If you start a video and then say you have to use the bathroom you better make sure you get back before it's over because you only have twenty five seconds to enter a code at then end or that video doesn't count toward your credits and you have to start all over. IT'S STRICT.

So because I have a little bit of A.D.D. I usually wait to watch these videos when I have something else going on or else I go crazy. Today I had to sit up front at work for several hours so I figured I would make the most of my time and "watch" some videos all the while really answering the phone, controlling the board, etc. and as long as I managed to enter the code within my TWENTY FIVE SECOND time frame I was good to go.

Okay now the most valuable coupon is the $5 off of $20 that you get after you accumulate twenty credits (from watching the videos) so that's what I strive for. If you keep reading I promise THIS STORY DOES HAVE A POINT.

So today my main goal was to just get my twenty credits so I'm blindly just clicking on the ads in no particular order, going about my business, doing my thing and then clicking the next video without paying much attention.

Out of the corner of my eye I see one of the jail Sergents coming into control one so I go to the computer to pause the video (you know, just because) and I look up in horror at the screen as I see a giant picture of a durex condom and my mind focuses on the sleazy music and the announcer shouts "HAVE A SEXPERIENCE WITH OUR CONDOMS!" And all the while, almost as if in slow motion I'm going "Noooooooooooo" and hitting 'pause', 'minimize' 'DELETE' but nothing happens because I guess the universe thought it would be hilariously ironic if I got fired over watching a commercial of all things.

Luckily for me this Sergent lives in his own little bubble so I don't even think he noticed.

Note to self: forget porn but if you watch VIDEO VALUES at work keep your trigger finger ready to hit DELETE.

Bedtime & Bandaids

A week or two ago Cooper got a booboo (according to him from "running and fall down") and I really needed to put a bandaid on it. Mainly because it was on his finger and I didn't want it to get infected and possible spread and his whole hand have to be cut off and him end up with a hook. Speaking of, what exactly is the purpose of a hook? I mean why pick that as a replacement? WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A FRIGGIN HOOK? Wouldn't you actually have just as much luck with a nub as you do a hook? You know what would happen if I ever had to have a hook? I would somehow manage to poke my own eye out with it and then I'd be half way to a pirate.

Anyway so Cooper, he has a booboo...We try repeatedly to put a bandaid on it. I try, my mom tries, Bec tries and every single time he freaks out because (well I don't know why because he's two I guess and sometimes things seem like they're the end of the world and he might just die but in reality it means he just has to wait an extra five minutes for his scooby snack.

So to remedy this problem, me (in my awesome motherly wisdom) bought some scooby doo bandaids! Yay me! Not only did this solve the problem of him being "scared" of bandaids they actually became like his favorite thing EVER. AND incidentally since then he's had a booboo EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

And every single day he needs a scooby doo bandaid but he still doesn't quite get exactly what the bandaid is supposed to do. He doesn't want me to put it on his injury, instead "I DO IT! I GET IT!" (his catch phrase when he's subtly letting us know that he can handle something) sooo he then proceeds to stick it on various places (usually not his booboo) and eventually after being played with enough it just falls off and I am constantly finding ROUGE wandering bandaids throughout my house. Even though they weren't technically "used" it's still pretty gross.

Last night as we were getting ready for bed he convinced me he needing a scooby doo bandaid real bad. (Insert eye rolling). Fine, so I give him one and sure enough by this morning it's stuck all in his hair. Ewww. Ewww. EWWW.

I feel like if this was someone else's kid and I was an outsider looking in I might say "if you've ever woken up with a BANDAID stuck in your hair...you might be a little trashy..."

-Side note: spellcheck went absolutely crazy with this one. It was like if you say ewww, scooby doo or booboo one more time my tiny computer brain might just explode.

If it was REAL SMUT they couldn't show it on tv...

After having a discussion that I may or may not have become passionate about, I accused Craig of not even giving the tv shows that I like a fair chance. He countered with the fact that he had painfully endured a year and half of 'Desperate Housewives' and he finally couldn't stand it anymore. (And technically this wasn't really a fair assessment on my part because there actually are several shows that we both enjoy plus the original argument had nothing to do with the housewives) BUT at 11:30 pm it seemed like a logical fight to have. I know, we have such *problems* you just hate us, right?

Anyway for the record if I have to see Bear Grills (yes I realize that can't be how you spell his name but WHATEVER) if I have to see that lunatic give himself one more enema or drink his own urine one more time or rip one more camel's heart out I might just go crazy.

The more boring post ever. Seriously, don't read.

Nothing even remotely interesting has happened today. So I'm going to blog about the very non interesting things. Because I am determined to be a blogger, dang it. Speaking of, I love it when someone asks me "what do I want to do with my life?" and I answer with "I want to be a professional blogger" and they're all like "oh, okay like that's even real" and I'm all like "ummm hello, have you not heard of Dooce, the absolute famous blogger that has basically made herself a millionaire just by sharing stories about crap (sometimes all too literal 'crap') from her life?" And then they just give me a blank stare. But seriously Dooce isn't even all that good. In fact, I don't think I'd waste time on her site. Stop minimizing me, STOP IT!


I had a very ironic thing happen yesterday but even if I bothered to tell you all about it no one would believe me because they'd be all "OH WHATEVER, that didn't really happen!" But it did! Because my life is a big ironic pit sometimes.

Also last night after leaving church we were walking to the car and Cooper pointed to the cemetery and said "what's that?" except it came out super cute like "WHAZZAT?!?!?!" because he says everything with great joy and expression. And then I had to ponder "oh crap, how will I ever explain death to a two year old" but then he pointed to a bug on the parking lot and exclaimed, "WHAZZAT?!" so luckily I was saved from a potentially monumental parenting moment...hopefully for a long time.

I always want Moe's to eat. I crave it all the time. Two weeks ago I got a text with a code for a free meal. Ever since then the thought of Moe's has disgusted me. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL.

I'm currently trying to play a "I've come to the conclusion that" game on facebook but I'm not sure that people get it...

Okay I'm going, in hopes that something (ANTHING!) exciting might come my way...and then I'll share it with you...and you'll laugh and you'll like it and you'll buy a THE SHAN tshirt and wear it and all your friends will become "followers" (but not in a creepy way) and then I can finally be a blogger AND (what am I saying, I know you've already deserted me for Dooce...)

nOt ThAt CoOl

When I look at facebook in the morning and I see the status of some people (who don't have a job mind you) updating every hour just to let us know "they're chillin in the bed" it kind of pisses me off because ONE: there's nothing physically wrong with you, you could have a job but you choose to accept food stamps and WIC as a way of life and TWO: if you really are so desolate why are able to update your status from your flippin IPHONE while "chillin in bed".

DISCLAIMER: If you update (FROM YOUR IPHONE OR BLACKBERRY) that you're so poor and you could really use some help, I'm likely to make fun of you and mock you on my blog.

Death of a Cricket

I kept noticing that my cat Mercy kept pawing at the bottom of the couch and looking under it like something was there. Now we have a very real problem with scorpions and I have an incredible imagination that led me to believe there could be anything under there, from giant snakes to a very small midget that was hiding and plotting to kill us all in our sleep soooooooo I felt the incredible urge to check it out.

I lifted the end of the couch (since Craig is still recuperating from his "surgery". (Not that his surgery wasn't real but if I was telling this story in person I would definitely put it in air quotes because that's how I roll...) SO I LIFTED THE COUCH...and told Craig to look under and see what it was. (And if it had fangs or a very small pair of nun chucks to give me the signal and I would crush whatever it was with my might and the very large couch).

"Oh I said relieved, it's just a little cricket!" Mercy tried to pounce it but I yelled at her to stop. "Mercy it's just a cricket don't kill it, I'll put it outside." Then Craig "ever helpful" (that one got italics and AIR QUOTES), stomped it. I stared at him with my mouth open. (All the while still holding the end of the couch. "CRAIG! I just told the cat NOT to kill it I was going to put it outside." He goes, "Oh, uh I think it's too late for that..." See I told you he was super helpful (INSERT GIANT EYE ROLLING SMILIE HERE).

As heard from my house, this weekend:

The Setting: Our house, me cooking tacos, Craig reading, Cooper being wild;
Me: "Craig, do you think if I died you'd start cooking or would you and Cooper just starve to death?"
Craig: "I've actually been cooking a fair amount lately."
Me: "WHAT HAVE YOU COOKED?!"
Craig: I boiled some eggs...yeah probably I'll have to learn to cook if you die."


The Setting: Our house, me cooking (AGAIN), Craig and Cooper playing;
Cooper: "(insert high pitched squeal here)"
Craig: "Son, boy's don't screech."
Cooper: "(insert even higher, louder and more blood curdling scream here)"
Craig: "SON! I told you boys don't scream, only little girls scream, yuck, you don't want to be a little girl do you?!"
Cooper: "Uh huh, little girl! (screeeeeech)"
Craig: (In a most disapproving tone): "SON!!!"


The Setting: All of us in the truck, chattering.
Me: (to Cooper): "Do you know your name?"
Cooper: "B-L-T-P"
Me: (laughing) "I didn't ask could you spell your name sillygoose!"
Cooper: (laughing)
Me: "Your name is Cooper. And you spell it CO-PP-ER." (I chanted in a sing song-y voice)
Cooper: "douper."
Me: "Yep Cooper, CO-PP-ER."
Craig: "Uh babe, how did you spell that?"
Me: (kind of annoyed) "Craig I'm trying to teach him something, I'm making it sing song-y so he'll remember it "CO-PP-ER."
Craig: "Yeah that's COPPER...like the metal..."
Me: "AWWW CRAP!"
Later that night while telling the story to my mom and Bec;
Bec: "Cooper, can you spell your name now?"
Cooper "B-O-O-B"
Me: (hysterical with laughter) "Craig he just spelled his first word, BOOB!"
Craig: "AWWW CRAP!"

I mean really, I owe it to the fans...

To continue this blog. Sure I've gotten some bad feedback from it. Absolutely people have told me my life would run more smoothly if I didn't post my absolute feelings and my honest opinions, but really what fun would that be? And how let down would my 9 (NINE!) fans be if I started blogging about crap like happy unicorns and hope filled butterflies?


So nine followers, remember I went out on a limb for you and I stretched out my neck and one day if my family abandons me and I'm left friendless I expect some of you to take up the slack. Remember if you invite me for Thanksgiving I don't do turkey...


So anyway, facebook added a new feature called 'Facebook Places'. This is a brilliant little feature that when enabled links your facebook page to your gps located on your phone and has the ability to let all your "friends" know where you are at all times...And I am truly using the term "friends" here on the fast and loose. I mean let's face it, everyone has that one creepy guy on their friend list who looks a little like a molester yet you went to school with him and he only has eighteen friends as it is and you hate to be the a-hole that kicks him while he's down and the final straw for him chugging that whole bottle of nyquil JUST TO EASE THE PAIN FOR A LITTLE BIT so you go ahead and accept his friend request but let's face it do you really want THAT GUY to know where you are 24/7?

Plus it totally eliminates the element of surprise. No more can you stalk your friend at walmart and slowly follow her down the aisles randomly throwing crap in her buggy (ex: ky jelly, whipped cream and a pregnancy test) while her back is turned. Now your friend will just consult her phone and be on high alert and you'll be found out and what's the fun in that?

And further more facebook places, will eventually make the term "FANCY MEETING YOU HERE" completely obsolete because it's not fancy if it's planned.

The One Where It All Comes Out

It was brought to my attention that my blog had offended someone in my family. They thought I was talking about them being a "crazy family member". Nothing could be farther from the truth so let me just elaborate on EXACTLY who I was talking about.

When I talked about moving to new england I was having a crappy day at work. Newsflash: I hate my job.

When I mentioned the holidays this was strictly talking about the amount of stress it takes to plan anything on Craig's side of the family. Maybe it's because there are so many of us. Maybe it's because Brad has a crazy schedule or we have so many church obligations or that Joann works on weekends or maybe it's just because the devil doesn't want us to have a good Christmas, WHATEVER the reason, that's what that was about.

When I talked about "crazy relatives" I had two people in mind. One used to be married to my aunt for about forty years until he decided he didn't love her anymore. And it seems like almost every single day he pulls some new stunt causing her a great deal of grief. Okay you don't love her, move on and stop trying to make her life hell. Just leave her alone. Stop rubbing salt in the wound and just get away from all of us.

The other person I had in mind is in Craig's family and he has harbored hatred and resentment toward's us for almost a year and the only thing I can figure is that we didn't attend a wedding. The almost ironic thing is we were all planning on going until we heard him say he didn't want kids there. So I stayed with Cooper and Craig went, representing our family. This is the only thing I can remotely think of that we "did". I'm sorry that you forgot about the fact that we spent all day at a shower/bbq for this same person plus we all brought gifts plus the fact THAT WE WERE GOING TO GO UNTIL YOU SPECIFICALLY SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT CHILDREN THERE. *anyway* The fact is it's over, let it go. Don't keep punishing everyone around you for something so petty. The fact that this has blown all the crap out of proportion to the point where you've taken all of the photos of yourself home with you and you refuse to talk to anyone in the family is utterly ridiculous. I have, out of respect for my mother in law who didn't want anyone to know just how childish and petty someone could be to try to break a family in half, have not blogged about this until now but just so we clarify, this is what I was talking about. It hurts my feelings that you'll stand two feet away from my child at a funeral and ignore him completely just because you're mad at his parent's for something so completely juvenile. I thought you loved him. Apparently not. It hurts my feelings that you've gone months without speaking to two of your sisters and I've seen them both cry over it. It hurts my feelings that my husband, your nephew, has had three surgeries since then and your sister had a stroke yet you still can't break down the walls of indifference.

And when I posted about grandma and her picture I think I was pretty clear about who I was talking about considering I said her name. Why grandma, why, why, why, would you ever think that I would put something on my facebook to publically humiliate you? I loved the picture. I loved it. I loved how Cooper looked so happy to be sitting with you and you looked in complete awe of him and you were laughing so merrily like this was the best thing ever. I loved how I thought it really demonstrated a great grandmother's love. But apparently you only saw a picture of yourself that you didn't care for...I don't know, I don't get it. I never in a million years thought that by me caring enough about you to love a picture of you and Cooper so much that I would want to share it with the world would cause such hurt. Yes I was hurt.

And to top it all off I guess I was a little stressed and emotionally drained because I had spent all weekend long sifting through my nanny's belongings (whom is dead). I spent all weekend long agonizing about what I should keep, what I should give away, what someone else might appreciate just to keep a little part of her alive so maybe I am overly sensitive, maybe that's why I wanted to dearly cherish the picture I have of grandma and Cooper and I was offended when she hated it.

So there, everyone was hurt, no one's perfect and I hope I've cleared up any misunderstandings. And no, I don't plan on filtering my blog or my opinions but anyone who hates it, Please feel free to hit 'UNSUBSCRIBE'.

The Question of the Hour

Every once in a while or every ten minutes depending on who I'm talking to (KAREN) (jk), the question comes up "when are you going to have another baby?" And from a spiritual side I want to say that we'll pray about it diligently and God will let us know when the time is right (if ever). From a totally carnal and lazy human side I want to say I DON'T WANT TO START OVER!

I had a conversation with Gretchen the other day about how it's even hard to find time to take a shower when you have a newborn. I didn't want to burst her bubble but that continues...for years. But I remember the newborn stage quite well when Craig would come home and be all like, "eww what's that smell?" and then I'd burst into tears (hormones) and start screaming (me, just being me) that in case he had forgotten, we have a two week old and I can't take a shower anytime I want like him and maybe he should just count himself lucky I still let him live in my house after WHAT HE DID (getting me pregnant...).

But no seriously...yeah...that about sums it up. I remember being so glad when mom, dad or Bec would come down so I could at least go brush my teeth and put my contacts in. Maybe we just had it harder than most new parents because we had the extra challenge of never leaving our baby in the room alone with our cats lest one of them suck his breath...

Showering has become easier but it's still not foolproof. Today I told Coop to pick out one toy that he had to come in the bathroom with me while I showered. He reluctantly grabbed the nearest tractor and trudged to the bathroom muttering "oh man..." I quickly thought it over. Okay he's two...he's pretty mature for his age, maybe he could be left unattended while I take a shower and get ready. (See the last time I *thought* he was old enough to do this it ended in me walking out of the bathroom to see him swallow something and all he would say was "yummy money" and we had to check poop for a week, so maybe that's why I was reluctant for this alone time).

"Fine I said, I'll put on Scooby Doo and you can watch that while I'm in the shower but I'm going to call your name and you have to come to the bathroom and check in with me, letting me know you're okay, alright?" "Oh-tayy" he said merrily.

The first check in went like clock work. I called his name, he peeked in the door and said "Hi mommy!" I relaxed. I started to actually enjoy the first shower I'd had in a long time that didn't involve things like toddler toys being randomly thrown at the curtain or refereeing Coop and the cats chasing each other through the bathroom.

Then I got nervous. Had I remembered to lock the door? Was the stove off? Had I left out any sharp objects or things that could be easily swallowed?

"Cooper?" I yelled. No response. I tried to calm down, probably everything was fine. "Cooper?!" Nothing. Okay Shannon, don't let your imagination run away with you, PROBABLY a mountain lion didn't bust through your glass door and is currently trying to attack your helpless son, with whom you left no sharp objects with to protect himself. "COOPER? GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW OR I'M TURNING OFF SCOOBY DOO!" He comes running in, "Nooooo mommy!" Oh so you are alive? You fended off the mountain lion? "Okay go back and watch scooby doo and come the next time I call you." He walked out of the bathroom and slammed the door! Are you kidding me, Mr. Attitude? Did we skip the terrible two's and go straight to the moody teenager stage?!

So to sum up, I successfully took a shower today with no major disasters.

We're out of the bottle stage. I no longer spend half of my grocery budget on formula. We sleep all night, every night. I haven't had to purchase diapers in over a month (hallelujah!) and now I get to take showers again...

To start over would be absolutely crazy. Insane. Impossible.

But then I see baby Jaxon and he's so cuddly and he smells soooooo good!

And then I see Cooper and he's all like being crazy, asking for a scooby snack, running around and cracking me up and in that instance when people ask when we're going to have another baby I can honestly say "We're set. We're good!"

I'm Thinking New England...

I'm sick of drama. I'm sick of my job. I'm sick of georgia weather. I'm thinking New England. I want to move. Some people move like vagabonds. They have no problem putting down absolutely no roots at all. I want to be those people. I want to be able to just go and not look back and only fly home for Christmas and funerals and when I do come home people flaunt over me and tell me how great it is to see me. Maybe that's the problem, "my people" see me too much. They need a little "absense makes the heart grow fonder"...sigh

Really though, I'd like to be in new england...where it's cool and I picture people having fall parties where they bob for apples (I don't know I guess I saw it on a movie one time or something) and where I could work from home, writing mystery novels while sipping my hot chocolate and staring out the window from my seaside villa.

And when someone dies and their house needs to be cleaned out DON'T CALL US, WE'RE LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND and if someone's in the hospital and needs a bedside vigal DON'T BOTHER LETTING US KNOW, WE'RE IN NEW ENGLAND, and all this petty, crappy, suck filled day to day drama that both my family and Craig's tends to produce in magnitudes, well soon it won't matter because I'LL BE IN NEW ENGLAND.

Things I officially won't worry about once I move:

• Feverishly planning and replanning holiday parties to try and accomodate everyone's schedule. When I fly in for my "once a year" everyone will work around MY schedule, and MY time.
• Family vacations. Enough said.
• Hearing a loved one utter the words "where've you been, haven't seen you in forever". See, when I'm in new england everyone will know where I am and it won't be a question.
• Stepping outside and breaking into a sweat.
• Hearing people say "Hot enough for ya?" daily.
• Dealing with ridiculous public issues at my job.
• Getting daily updates on what outrageous new stunt some crazy family member has pulled.
• Dividing out time equally among family, when we're in new england, EVERYONE LOSES.