It's after 12:30 am and tomorrow is a work day so when I'm late I'm totally throwing you eleven under the bus. "It's not my fault Marie, eleven people had a feva and the only prescription was more Shan..."
See I would have gotten around to blogging before now but I'm not sure if you're aware but it's "RED CARPET PREMIERE WEEK" (according to abc) and just about a million shows premiered that I love and I feel obligated to keep up with all of them because what if, forbid I'm in some high powered conference and the conversation suddenly turns to 'THE MODERN FAMILY'?! Well not knowing what happened could be detrimental to my job and I really don't want that so I need to be kept abreast...(by the by it was an awesome episode where Mitchell gets stuck in a princess castle and Manny goes on a date)...anyway...
This blog could totally take a turn for "tv commentary". But hey look at Frank Nicotero, his whole job is to watch tv shows and then do mini para-phrases and say funny things about them. HELLO, I COULD SO DO THAT.
Also I blame Daddy Scratches for my late night. (And no that's not my kinky name for Craig). He's a guy with a blog. It's pretty hilarious and once you start you can't stop, you feel the need to keep hitting more, more, more! I would provide a link but I seriously doubt my eleven would be interested. He's a bit more worldly than me and he drops the dreaded F-bomb in every other paragraph which I can simply ignore and skip over while reading in my head however probably some of you would be offended. Let's face it, I was facing mutiny that one time I said 'ASS' not meaning the donkey thing. I heard the off handed grumbles from some of you and the occasional "off with her head" and I wanted to scream back, "HOW CAN YOU BE SURE I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT A DONKEY?!"
Hey Mom, you know those thousand boxes of rolaids we got for free with our coupons? Tonight I have a use for them. I have eaten like a half a roll while sitting here which is so weird because I never have heartburn, ever! (Except when I was pregnant which I am now, NOT). But Craig and Becca have the heartburn all the time and I make fun of them and say things like "oh so I guess you're eighty and stuff" and then it was like God finally got sick of the bantering and went "okay here's how it feels to have your esophagus ON FIRE". And no I will never make fun of you guys again. (Until I'm sure I'm over my episode and then we'll see...)
Side Note: I noticed after I typed that last paragraph that I had put "craig and becca have THE heartburn all the time). I was going to erase it but then I left it in hopes that maybe it will catch on like how people say "I'm headed to THE J&J" or "want to go to THE walmart". People will say "gosh what's wrong with so n so, he don't look so good?" And other people will reply "you know him, he's got THE heartburns." I don't know, maybe this catch phrase is only a pipe dream...
So still no air conditioner, still hot weather but tonight I am wearing pants so that's an improvement. And for all you crazy environmentalists that "conserve" listen to this. Even though my air is clearly not working every couple of days I flip it on and let it run for twelve hours straight hoping that maybe "it'll kick on". How's that for "excessive use of energy". Why am I so proud of something that's going to cost me a fortune with the electric company? Am I really so brazen that I find any excuse to be belligerent? I think I am.
It's one..I'm clearly delirious. Most people would wrap it up but I'm all like "HEY, what else can I tell y'all?! Obviously I'm thinking straight...what family secrets haven't I touched on yet?" I also feel very southern, I've used 'y'all' an awful lot in one post.
So the other night I asked Becca to help me put flea medicine on my cats. The directions are simple enough; hold cat still, separate the hair at the base of the neck, apply topical solution, DO NOT LET CAT LICK THE AREA, the end. Except you're talking about a cat. For those of you who aren't proud cat owners, the whole "hold cat still" part is (beeeeeep).
We cornered Dudlei first as she had made the fatal error of laying on the back of the couch during "go time" and she was convenient. Bec "held her down" while I wrestled with the packaging and tried for the life of me to "separate the fur". For those who haven't met Dudlei she is not a small cat. She is very large and where large people have fat rolls she has fur rolls and I couldn't find the exposed skin the package had urged me to! She was getting a little fiesty so I finally just squirted it in the area of her head, into a large mass of fur and thought to myself "that was $16.50 well spent. Kudos to you 'hartz inc' THAT'S ONE!"
The application of Mercy's med wasn't bad. She was fairly still and good but she has the neck of a circus owl and can simultaneously lick any part of her body while flying a trapeze so within minutes she was crouched in a corner, foaming at the mouth. (Terrifying the first time it happened until I read the fine print that said this would happen with "accidental ingestion" and goes away within fifteen minutes).
Then there was Jay-Jay. I say this with the utmost love in my heart, "Jay-Jay must be borderline retarded". She is very slow in her actions and you know how most cats have excellent balance? Well she falls off of EVERYTHING. Many of times we've heard a loud crash only to find her behind the tv or dresser covered in spider webs and looking embarrassed. Don't worry Jay-Jay, we love you anyway! She is also deathly afraid of our man-child. She runs and hides basically whenever he's awake.
After searching for awhile Bec finally found her napping under our bed. She was trying to coax her out and she kept encouraging Cooper to go to the kitchen (in other words, far, far away from the cat who's terrified of him and not likely to voluntarily be in an open space in the same room with him). Finally I go into the bedroom to see what's taking so long and I find Bec laying in the floor, staring under the bed, chanting "jayjay, jayjay, jayjay" while dangling come computer cords in her eyesite. She said she was trying to lure her out but everytime she got close Coop when run and jump on the bed and yell "JAYJAY" and she'd retreat farther. I started laughing, just because...I don't know, now it doesn't seem that funny (I know in the morning when I re-read this it won't be funny) but at the time it started hysteria.
So I'm looking for something that maybe I could prode her with and finally I get the idea to just use Coop. (Not to physically prode but to mentally smoke her out). So we send the kid in. Except he goes to the wrong side and before long now she's right in the middle, next up to the crib and there's not way we can reach her. Here's where the brains kick in. I tell Bec I'll just lift (our queen size mattress and box spring) and she should just grab her. I get it lifted (kinda) and Bec is helping and then I think I can do it alone so I'm like "okay go for it" so she lets go and then I'm like "Arggg I'm losing it" and then I look to see that Coop has his head stuck in where the mattresses are going to be landing so I'm holding on with all my might and at that point I realize I have to pee so bad I'm seriously going to go on myself and I'm screaming at Coop to move his precious head and I'm telling Bec "get out, get out, it's too dangerous I'm dropping them, go, save yourself" and we look and Jay-Jay is sitting across the room watching us. We're not sure exactly how long she had been there.
So then we're all laughing and I'm trying to stand cross legged so as not to pee myself and she grabs the Jay and I'm trying to open the tube and she's all like "SERIOUSLY, you couldn't have already HAD THAT DONE" because by now Jay is feeling all paranoid and the schizophrenia starts to kick in and she's all like "let me outta here man, I don't know nothin" and we're all trying to stay calm and I'm trying to find skin and THERE'S NO SKIN because the cat is all fur and she's started to really panic and the laughing continues, so much in Dudlei fashion I more or less throw the medicine on her and how much of it actually applied there's no way of knowing unless of course in a week if you find us eaten alive by the fleas that took advantage of the fact that the medicine was either flung into space or ingested and the "July like temperatures" we're experiencing here in the Sexton household.
And if that happens, know that we did not go down without a fight.
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