the PHONES want us all DEAD.

As if my job wasn't bad enough we got new phones last week. Now some of you are going "new phones! wow! I'd love to have new phones!" Well let me assure you, you don't want these phones, these phones are possessed. These are the type of phones that you want to throw in the floor, stomp repeatedly and light on fire all the while yelling, "DAMN THE DEVIL TO HELL!"


Our first indication that these weren't "normal" phones should have been the fact that we had to take an hour long "training" class on how to use them. We were thinking, "training? Really? For a phone?" We got cocky and thought surely as fully functioning adults we could figure out how to operate a telephone! That's what the phone wants you to believe. It wants to lure you in, thinking that you're smarter than it. Newsflash: you're not.


So everyone's extension changed. Not a big deal (EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE YET TO PASS AROUND A LIST). And sure there's a high tech company directory that you can access to find an extension BUT if you're on the line with someone you can't pull that up. So in the many, (MANY) (THOUSANDS) of instances that people call the sheriff's office and want to speak with (ANYONE) you have no idea where to transfer them to. So Alida made us a preliminary list and we tried to find the numbers that people ask for the most so now when someone calls instead of just blinding staring into space and counting down the minutes until we can leave this forsaken place we can feverishly flip through a notebook to try and find where we chicken-scratched that investigator's extension earlier...and then you count how many minutes until you can leave this forsaken place.

Probably the most annoying thing about the phones is that there is no overhead page. So you try to get ahold of someone. If they don't answer their office phone your only choice is to try their (often personal) cell phone. This is how that goes:

• RING RING RING
• (annoyed person): YEAH?
• (me, being falsely chipper): "Hey there, it's shannon [from up front] I tried your office but couldn't get you, are you in the building?"
• (seemingly MORE annoyed person): I'm in the FRIGGIN crapper, what the *puppy* do you want?"
• (me, flustered): "Oh...ummmm...you have a visitor..."
• (person): disgruntled murmurings under their breath...

Yeah so we can't page...BUT as one of my captains pointed out, we CAN make an eighteen person conference call...if we ever have a need for that...

It's also got a nifty little feature where if someone hasn't set up there voicemail (which you can imagine everyone jumped right on because that's got to be simple right...) anyway so if there voicemail isn't hooked up then after so many rings it connects the caller to the commissioners office. So we've had a very confused clerk returning many calls because GUESS WHAT, it's not her job to know if your UNCLE-BROTHER has a bond yet...