I have come to the CONCLUSION that:

~I can't rescue ALL the cats in the world and I must be satisfied with the five I've managed to adopt.

~Cooper is beyond what we ever imagined our child could be and we truly won the genetic lottery and could never do it again therefore he might have to be an only child.

~I had always wanted a housefull of kids before Cooper but now I'm not so sure and it's not because he's horrible, it's because he's grand!

~Me and Craig both lucked out on the mother in law thing. We wouldn't trade with anyone in the world.

~A little part of me will always *belong* at the dippers.

~As of today I am officially behind on Christmas shopping.

~We're stuck with the crappy new phones and so for now on I'll have to curb my desire to light them on fire...forever.

~I was not meant to be GCIC certified.

~No matter how much I try I'm just not a dog person.

~I'm going to stop letting other's opinions, thoughts and comments dictate how I run my house.

~Planning a cruise may just be the best therapy ever.

~Vegetarian chili (no matter how good in theory), is just not good.

~No matter how often we have tacos I crave them.

~I will never come up with a name I like more than 'Cooper'. Sometimes I hear people say it and I think to myself "man, that is an AWESOME name!".

~Negative people just annoy me. (Let me clarify. Some may see me as 'negative' but I am far from it. I am 'sarcastic'. Sarcastic is negative's hilarious older cousin).

~This post is going nowhere and I should wrap it up.

~I'll do my best to do something humiliating/blog worthy today.

I guess I've CROSSED-OVER

I never meant to be trans-gendered but I fear that it's happened...

Surprisingly this is a product of me being so very cheap errrr FRUGAL. Let me paint you the picture...

Okay so the last time I bought tennis shoes I found a pair of men's that were way cheaper and more comfortable so YEAH I went for it.

A few months ago we found incredible deals (as in we were getting them for free) so we stocked up on body wash (men's) and deodorant (MEN'S).

Most recently we got new uniforms for work. You know how most women have hips so most women's shirts flare a little at the bottom to account for this? And most men are straight up and down so their shirts are straight? Well the flockers at the sheriff's office thought we wouldn't notice so I'm guessing they cheaped out and ordered us the cheapest effing men's shirts they could find.

Now all of these things separately aren't that bad. But this morning I had kind of a perfect storm type scenario. I ran out of my deodorant so this means:

~I'm wearing a man's shirt.

~I washed with men's body wash.

~I have on men's shoes.

~I put on men's deodorant.

~And apparently I'm using a man's toothbrush.

Gretchen's Theory

Gretchen has a theory. She also has a blog but her latest post is about her upcoming wedding and it shows her trying on wedding dresses so...I guess we can't count on her to blog about this since she also forgot important events such as OH I DON'T KNOW, HER MARRIAGE AND THE BIRTH OF HER SON.

Anyway so we were discussing the latest developments on 'Desperate Housewives' and Paul (who was recently released from prison when it was found that he didn't actually kill Felicia), (even though he did kill her sister Mrs. Huber, although the authorities don't know about that yet) he recently showed back up on Wisteria Lane and then much to everyone's dismay his wife showed up! We were like "WHAT'S THAT NOW, YOU GOT MARRIED IN PRISON?!" And yep sure enough, he did.


So according to my friend (ANGELA)! this is a whole phenomenon. She reads all kinds of real life serial killer books and shockingly they have a whole following. Apparently if you find yourself lonely and alone and you kill someone then you're sure to have a long list of single ladies wanting to hook up with you. (Although there is that pesky "death sentence thing" to worry about...)

So we start talking about serial killers and whatnot and the conversation goes something like this:

• me: "I really don't see what's so appealing about a murderer."
• gretch: "Oh I totally get it! Think about it, all serial killers are suave and dress nice and very charming."
• me: "Oh my gosh, you're right!"
• gretch: "I know! That's why if I'm every stranded somewhere I'm picking out the scruffiest, roughest looking person I can and I'm asking him for help! Because those guys in the suites, yeah they'll kill ya!'

the PHONES want us all DEAD.

As if my job wasn't bad enough we got new phones last week. Now some of you are going "new phones! wow! I'd love to have new phones!" Well let me assure you, you don't want these phones, these phones are possessed. These are the type of phones that you want to throw in the floor, stomp repeatedly and light on fire all the while yelling, "DAMN THE DEVIL TO HELL!"


Our first indication that these weren't "normal" phones should have been the fact that we had to take an hour long "training" class on how to use them. We were thinking, "training? Really? For a phone?" We got cocky and thought surely as fully functioning adults we could figure out how to operate a telephone! That's what the phone wants you to believe. It wants to lure you in, thinking that you're smarter than it. Newsflash: you're not.


So everyone's extension changed. Not a big deal (EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE YET TO PASS AROUND A LIST). And sure there's a high tech company directory that you can access to find an extension BUT if you're on the line with someone you can't pull that up. So in the many, (MANY) (THOUSANDS) of instances that people call the sheriff's office and want to speak with (ANYONE) you have no idea where to transfer them to. So Alida made us a preliminary list and we tried to find the numbers that people ask for the most so now when someone calls instead of just blinding staring into space and counting down the minutes until we can leave this forsaken place we can feverishly flip through a notebook to try and find where we chicken-scratched that investigator's extension earlier...and then you count how many minutes until you can leave this forsaken place.

Probably the most annoying thing about the phones is that there is no overhead page. So you try to get ahold of someone. If they don't answer their office phone your only choice is to try their (often personal) cell phone. This is how that goes:

• RING RING RING
• (annoyed person): YEAH?
• (me, being falsely chipper): "Hey there, it's shannon [from up front] I tried your office but couldn't get you, are you in the building?"
• (seemingly MORE annoyed person): I'm in the FRIGGIN crapper, what the *puppy* do you want?"
• (me, flustered): "Oh...ummmm...you have a visitor..."
• (person): disgruntled murmurings under their breath...

Yeah so we can't page...BUT as one of my captains pointed out, we CAN make an eighteen person conference call...if we ever have a need for that...

It's also got a nifty little feature where if someone hasn't set up there voicemail (which you can imagine everyone jumped right on because that's got to be simple right...) anyway so if there voicemail isn't hooked up then after so many rings it connects the caller to the commissioners office. So we've had a very confused clerk returning many calls because GUESS WHAT, it's not her job to know if your UNCLE-BROTHER has a bond yet...

the one with the BULLETS

• I worry about random things. Today I started thinking about how our last name is 'sexton' and probably the kids will make fun of Cooper. Then I got to work and saw the last name 'sprinkle' and decided that sexton wasn't so bad.
• Sometimes I accidentally set Craig up with baited questions:

me: "Who's the prettiest woman in hollywood?"

craig: "I can't think of anyone."

me: "Oh come on, I'm not going to get mad, just tell me!"

craig: "I don't want to say."

me: "Gah, it's just a game, COME ON!"

craig: "Well I think that the girl that plays Beckette on 'Castle' is pretty..."

(2 days later) me: "I can understand why you don't want to look at me, after all, I'm no freakin Beckette!"

craig: (inward groan)

• So I watched the first epi this season of 'Private Practice' and to it's credit I haven't seen the the second epi yet so maybe it's more promising but HONESTLY 'private practice', I have to ask the question HAVE YOU JUMPED THE SHARK? Because it was more of the same old crap. Pete loves Violet, Violet gets scared and runs away because OH GUESS WHAT, Violet you're a nut case. And then there's Charlotte and Cooper and surprise, surprise they love each other but fight like cats and dogs. And then we have Adison and Sam who love each other but of course are too scared to tell Naomi even though she's moved on and it's really none of her business but you have to understand, Naomi is a "mother puppy witch."
• "Jumping the Shark" started with 'Happy Days' when after a very successful run the writers decided to have Fonzi literally jump over a shark with a surf board. After that there was no where to go but down. It symbolizes the peak of a show and it's ultimate demise after that.
• Why do I know such random and useless trivia but I can't remember which is 'dessert' and which is 'desert'?
• Last week we made a pact to have a mini date night this weekend and go see the movie with Katherine Heigl since it wasn't out last week. I am totally holding Craig to this.
• Ever since we left the Cheesecake Factory I've had remorse that I didn't even try a slice of cheesecake. It seems like kind of a waste.
• Tonight is ziti night and there's not much that can be better than that.
• We have a trip planned to the "pumpkin patch" as Coop calls it and I'm hoping that it proves to be as magical as he's imagining.
• Bec and I have a major project that we really, really need to start working on. In fact BEC, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, STOP AND WORK ON THE THING.
• Cato may be my very favorite store ever and if I could I would possibly spend all of my money there.
• Christmas is only eighty days away...
• I almost gave myself a mini panic attack after that last statement.

OUR BIG NIGHT OUT

So for the first time in, oh I don't know, FOREVER, me and the Craigster had a date night.

We started off the day kind of rocky. Craig woke me up to ask me where my wallet was because he wanted to go get a haircut. In the process he managed to wake Cooper up too. And once Cooper is up on a Saturday, he's UP. This was at 8:30. Too early for a weekend, grrrrrr.

I tried to convince Cooper more sleep would be fun! Yay for laying really still with your eyes closed! Woo hoo! Yeah, he was not buying it. So I thought maybe he could entertain himself while I kind of catnapped. And he did. He made his own fun by jumping up and down on the bed until he fell off on his head.

At this point I called Craig and yelled at him for waking us up. GREAT WAY TO START A DATE NIGHT.

So we got up, manage to get dressed and Cooper was all like "noooo I don't want to put pants on" and running away and flipping over and going crazy and I'm calling my mom going "yeah I know it's just 10:00 in the morning but are you SURE you don't want Cooper's spend the night party to start now?!?!

So Craig came home and started to work on his math homework and Coop and me went to town. We went to Cato so I could find a fun new outfit and so Cooper could reck havoc on the clothes and scream bloody murder and try to flip out of the stroller and make people stare at me while I grab his flailing arm and threaten to spank him and kill scooby doo and SURE people were judging me and I was all "IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER WITH THIS KID BY ALL MEANS PLEASE INTERVENE!"

Then he calmed down and I remembered that I loved him (and still like scooby a little bit) so we got lunch and went to the park and swang and had tons of fun.

So DATE NIGHT!

I was getting ready and being a little sad that I was going to miss Cooper so much and for a second I was like maybe he could come eat with us and then I remembered the Cato incident and I'm like "OKAY CRAIG, I'M READY, LET'S GET THE HECK OUT BEFORE MY PARENTS CHANGE THEIR MIND."

We went to The Cheesecake Factory and it was really, really good! I can't believe I've never eaten there before. Then we stopped at the movies but really there wasn't anything we wanted to see so we rented a movie and went home and we cuddled on the couch and I fell asleep before the opening credits were through so don't ask me how 'Clash of the Titans' went, I have no clue!

I thought I would have trouble sleeping with Coop not being there but once I went to bed I slept through the entire night (very unusual), normally I'm up at least three of four times.

So Date Night was fabulous! Cooper had a blast with Grandpa, Nee and Bec and I definitely think we need to do it again soon!

(In fact, mom and bec, what are y'all doing Saturday night? Care for a tiny little visitor?)