things about my job that annoy me, RIGHT NOW

-People who walk into control one, past the door control board and ask me to let them out and then walk BACK past the board and to the door. You do realize that you've literally walked within inches of the button that needs to be pushed TWICE, right? And you did this just to ask me if I would get up and push it for you...

-People who feel the need to walk in and out of lobby 1 & 2 CONSTANTLY. And most of the time once I've sat back down they turn around and say they forgot something and need to go back through. REALLY?!

-The fact that we now have to lock J1 even though we use that door no less than 100,000 times a day.

-People who knock on the window of control 1, wanting me to let them out and then as I'm getting up they point to the door, LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT. LIKE I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST KNOCKING TO SAY HI.

-Men who use their rings to knock on the window. Same annoying
equivalent as nails on a chalkboard.

-People who push the "door button" on the sallyport and then when I let them through they feel the need to push the button at intake too. HELLO?! If I let you into the sallyport I do have enough sense to know you want to also go through intake and that you're not just going to stand in the sallyport.

-People who feel the need to "holster up" just going across the hall. Probably you're not going to have to shoot anyone in investigations so just leave your gun in the lockbox.

-When you tell someone (the public) that "they'll be right with you" and they continue to stare at you from point blank distance.

-When people call and say "hey I just got a call from this number" but don't have any idea who it would have been or what it was in reference to but wants to know if I could possibly call up and poll our sixty five employees to figure out who called. Here's a novel idea, JUST ANSWER YOUR PHONE NEXT TIME.

-Hoverers who make it a point to come around my desk and lean over my shoulder to talk to me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Just be a normal person and stand in front of the desk you sicko.

-People who call and want the number for _______(fill in the blank, everything from the courthouse to the animal shelter to walmart) and then when I start to recite it say "hang on let me grab a pen". Really? So when you first started the call you thought you'd be able to remember it and then realized that you're actually a dumbass?

-When the public calls to "tattle" on an officer or investigator that "refuses" to return their calls. Yeah usually there's a reason for that and usually it's because you're crazy.

-The phone calls that go like this: HEY I WAS WONDERIN IF THERE WAS A DANG OL WARRANT OUT FOR ME. sir, we can't release that information over the phone. EVEN TO ME?! oh wait, wait, I didn't realize it was YOU, I mean, yeah, we'll definitely TELL you...

1-FREAKIN-UPPER

My biggest pet peeve may be the ONE-UPPER. The one that your conversation goes like this:

me: "I have a headache."
1upper: "I HAVE A MIGRANE!!!!"

me: "I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach."
1upper: "I'M PRETTY SURE I HAVE THE STOMACH FLU...OR THE BIRDFLU...AND A TUMOR!"

me: "Ugh, I sliced my finger."
effing 1 upper: "OH MY GAH, I CHOPPED MY WHOLE ARM OFF!"

How I would like for the conversation to go:

Me: "Today has been a rough day."
1upper: "YEAH, I-"
Me: "Let me just stop you right there. If you're really that sick or that hurt would you please just go ahead AND DIE ALREADY."

There's quite a difference between GAY & GRAY

Last night one of the yahoo stories was entitled "Friend's Star's Surprising Admission" and it shows a picture of Joey (Matt LeBlanc) against a red backdrop and from a distance he *might* look a little gay in this pic. And because I was viewing this from across the room, I couldn't see the small print and could only read the big headline and picture and I was SURE that this article was going to break my heart into tiny pieces and stomp on them and tell me that Joey was actually gay.

My heart sank and I asked Craig to please read me what it said and I braced myself for the worse. Are you ready? The former Friend's star was ready to come clean. He had been harboring a secret for way too long. (drumroll please...)

HE DIED HIS HAIR.

That was it. That was the "SHOCKING ADMISSION". He said he had died his hair all the years that he was on Friends and that really he was totally gray. Okay well big deal, I'm sure that 99% of Hollywood dies their hair.

Interesting tidbit? Maybe. Shocking Admission? No.

SARA AND MOM, i hope you're both happy...

Do you see what happens when I start a blog, I immediately run out of things to talk about and even remotely interesting things STOP happening to me. RIDICULOUS. I blame you guys. So now I must go on blogging about nonsensical crap that no one really cares about but me...


THINGS THAT YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT ME (and probably don't care either way):


~Probably my greatest hobby is researching and planning cruises. I can easily spend hours and hours of my life pouring over every little detail and making lists of pros and cons and reading countless reviews and planning the perfect vacation. And every once in awhile, when I'm super lucky and the stars a line just right, I actually get to go on one. But even ON a cruise, I'm already putting thought into the NEXT one. It's almost as if planning and fantasizing about how great a cruise COULD be or might turn out, is almost more fun than actually experiencing it. This bizarre personality has followed me from back in my barbie days. Gretchen and I (the buddy bears) would spend hours and hours planning what are barbies were going to do. The planning stage is riddled with excitement and the possibility of "anything could happen" and then you get to the actual (whatever it is you're doing) and you realize what's actually happening and you're like "okay well this is still cool but ummm yeah I pictured it a lot better..."


~My brain doesn't really operate on a normal level. It goes at some kind of random warp speed that enables me to multi-task even within my own mind. For example: I can type reports and listen to books on tape. And be doing both with great accuracy. (Okay, average accuracy). Alright, good enough that I don't get fired.


~The perfect evening for me doesn't involve candlelight or dancing but rather really yummy food, eaten on the couch with craig, while watching a movie. And then later, snuggling with cooper while watching scooby doo.


~I'm not a fan of jewelry and I have no "accessorizing sense".


~My feet are completely flat and I find wearing high heels (or any kind of heels) very challenging to absolutely impossible. It is sadly hysterical to watch me attempt to walk in anything other than sneakers or flops.


~Sometimes when spelling my last name for people I linger on the S-E-X part just to watch their facial expressions.

~Sometimes I ponder idiotic crap such as the phrase "everything I touch turns to gold" then I analyze it in my head and I rationalize how I wouldn't want EVERYTHING I touched to turn to gold but maybe every third thing, that way I could count off what I did and didn't want to turn to gold. And then I thought what would really be cool is if I could just point to a thing and say "turn to gold" and that worked. And then I remembered that probably I'll never be able to turn anything to gold so all of this is a moot point.

~I really like how Joey (from friends) called it a MOO point and said it was like a cow's opinion, it didn't matter, it was MOO.

~I would have liked to have been present when certain phrases were coined such as: "The elephant in the room", 'It's raining cats and dogs", "break a leg", "steal one's thunder", "wild goose chase" "a skeleton in the closet", "run amuck" and well, the ever popular "Cluster ___". Except just kidding about the last one, bahahahaha.

~I'm glad I missed the making of these phrases: "Curiosity killed the cat", "going to hell in a handbasket", "speak of the devil", "don't let the bedbugs bite" and finally "the proof is in the pudding". I hate pudding

~Sometimes if ever forced to drink hot tea I literally gag.

~I hold the worst record as match maker...of anyone ever.

~I thought I wanted to read the entire Bible but I didn't enjoy that. I would sit down with my schedule and mindless try to race to the end of my allotted quota for the day. I do much better just sitting down and reading (even just a little bit) and absorbing what I'm reading and letting it sink in.

~I just realized that I would have also like to experience first hand "letting it sink in". That had to be a fun one.

Literal THOUGHTS from the shan

It annoys me when other people (who's blogs I frequent) don't bother to post for days or *gasp* even weeks. See, I'm committed. Even when I have absolutely nothing of interest to say I'll still update...

Take a look into my brain:

So far the public has been manageable. Noone set me off to the point that I wanted to shoot them.

My cell phone finally died :( and THAT drives me crazy.

I finally bought a toilet scrubber brush which is something I've needed...for AWHILE.

I talked to a friend who has a crazy ex and I'm convinced he's even more crazier and possibly nearing the edge of insanity.

I'm thrilled that Cooper's new favorite show is Scooby Doo. I find this much more entertaining than Barney.

I'm planning manwich's for supper and although they don't rate as high as tacos they're still pretty flippin good.

I'd like to have a different side than shells and cheese, fries or salad but unfortunetely I'm not creative.

I couldn't find chicken breasts at J&J yesterday and if they're still out today, I'm totally asking the guy at the meat counter if he's seen any good breasts lately.

I started a colon cleanse today (mostly because I got it for free from rite aid). So far nothing impressive has happened. I thought about changing my facebook status to read "Colon Cleansing is much like your birthday. It requires a lot of waiting. Of course with your birthday you're waiting on presents. With the cleanse you're waiting on a whole lot of poo." Then I thought better of it and decided that it was more "appropriate" for my "real fans"... (watching as all three of my followers hit 'unsubscribe')...

Casting Crowns is possibly the best band ever and they go to my aunt marie's church.

Our whole week, with non-stop activities in pigeon forge in september has now been cut down to three nights of doing nothing but hanging in the cabin. (Not than I'm complaining, it's still better than being at work).

Sometimes I wonder if my internet usage is being monitored but "they" don't cut me off because "they" find me amusing.

Right now I'm jealous and Maria and Angela are getting to hang out together and I'm stuck in the hole.

I had a lady call animal control about a hornet's nest. She told me they were "sum big sum a guns".

I'd kind of like to see a "big sum a gun hornet".

It infuriates me that our chicken refuses to be caught and stay in the pen with the others.

Of course maybe the chicken coup is not all it's cracked up to be since one of the chicken's flew through and broke the glass window out in an attempt to escape. (She was not harmed). I'm not totally convinced it was attempted suicide. I'm leaning more toward attempted murder. Either way she's still alive.

side note: When I spell checked this it told me I had spelled 'internet' wrong and it was supposed to be "Internet". Dear INTERNET, I'm pretty sure you're not a proper noun and even if you are, what made you so special?

The Difference

The Text Messages:

From me: "Hey bec, if you come to town could you bring me my phone charger, my phone's almost dead"

From Bec: "Me n heather are coming later, i'll bring it, where is it"

From me: "key basket at my house, where we keep them, thanks"


She shows up, hands me the charger and leaves. I look at it, CRAP, it's the wrong charger!


From me: "well phone's still pretty much dead, you brought me craig's charger but thanks anyway, lol"

From Bec: "lol sorry i didnt know which one was your's"


If Craig and myself ever each possess the same thing this is how you tell the difference, his will be state of the art, brand new, latest model, mint condition and mine will be...

From me: "it's okay mine was actually the one that was 2 old cords spliced together and held with duct tape"

True Story.

This one's for you, Kyle Johnson

If you need to buy raw chicken and produce at J&J I'd go through Kyle Johnson's line, as he never bags them together because he understands the importance of avoiding things like contaminating your entire family's dinner with salmonella. (Although as a person I have to wonder about him since he thinks me pursuing my career as a famous blogger may just be "lame").

Now if you have a 'treasure chest coupon' you're going to need to see Jason. He comes over with his manager's key and fixes you right up and he doesn't even roll his eyes like some people because he's smart enough to realize that even though YOU'RE getting something for free it still doesn't actually cost HIM money out of his pocket. (Because some cashiers have the misunderstanding that by using a coupon, they get paid less).

I'm going to conclude this now, before I have to label it as a 'rant'.

The Suckiest Suckfest of All

We had lunch with friends yesterday after church (HEY CANDY, JAMES & LIL' JAMES!). James informed me that I sure did get on my "soapbox" an awful lot on facebook and my blog. Well he may just be right, so hang on.

Craig has a hernia that he went to the doctor about on Friday. They told him he needed surgery. Not an emergency type situation but Craig being the impatient man that he is told them to schedule it for August 6th. (This impatience thing is another rant for another time).

Then the doctor tells him that he's going to need to pay 20% of the estimated bill plus our deductible ($549) up front before they can do the surgery. Then Craig calls the hospital and finds out that we have to pay them $1000 (up front, of course), (their estimated 20% which DOES NOT include anesthesia because that's billed separately) before they can admit him. Then Craig tells me he'll have to be out of work for at least a week (EVEN THOUGH THE SURGERY IS ON A FLIPPIN FRIDAY), the doctor said he still wouldn't be able to work the whole next week. And of course he has no vacation days left because he frittered those away on "fishing" and "sleeping" and other man luxuries.

So to recap, we have to come up with $1549.00, all the while being short a whole paycheck. (And Craig's gainesville college tuition is due, along with books at the end of this week but at this point what's another $1000.00 RIGHT?!)

I asked Craig where he was thinking he was going to come up with large amount of money in less than two weeks when he scheduled this surgery. Now here's the real "kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck FANTASTIC" part of the whole story. He replies with, "well technically the surgery isn't scheduled yet, they won't schedule it until I bring them the $549.00." So you mean to tell me that the fact that you have a job, that your wife has a job and that you have insurance in good standing and they won't IN GOOD FAITH schedule your surgery two weeks from now with the agreement you'll bring the payment by at the beginning of the week?!?! Nope, apparently they don't do that.

So if Craig didn't work and I didn't work and we had NO insurance but showed up at the ER they would BY LAW have to perform this surgery. They couldn't turn us away or demand money up front. They couldn't refuse to schedule anything, they'd just take him back to the O.R. and fix him up. And probably while he was back there a social worker would bring me in her office, offer me refreshments and ask if I needed assistance getting other government aid such as food stamps and WIC and tell me about programs that help pay my utility bills and ask me if I needed day care supplements. NOT TO MENTION, coming up with tuition wouldn't ever cross our minds because if we didn't work we could go to school for free. IN FACT, if we didn't work the Pell Grant would PAY US for taking classes.

And then if we choose to leave the hospital without making any type of payment plan OH WELL. I GUESS THE NEXT SAP WITH INSURANCE CAN HELP COVER THAT BILL.

Yeah, unfortunately I'm the sap. So because we work, because we have insurance, because we buy our own food and pay our own utility bills the doctor's office has the right to refuse to schedule our surgeries until we pay cash up front.

Something, somewhere is terribly, TERRIBLY wrong.

Pants on the Ground

Yesterday I came home and Craig and Cooper are throwing a ball back and forth and Cooper is jumping up and down on the couch. This is a fairly normal scene...except...Cooper wasn't wearing any pants. No diaper, no underwear, no shorts, NO PANTS. Naked from the waist down.

The Conversation:
Me: "Craig he's naked!"
Craig:"Oh I know, he was trying to get his pants off to use the potty but he didn't get them off in time and they were a little wet".
Me: "Okay...did this happen just now?"
Craig: "Nah...about fifteen, twenty minutes ago."
In my head: "When he grows up to be a nudist and we're forced to celebrate holidays at the nudist colony 'among his kind', you'll have no one to blame but yourself."

This Just In!

According to my husband, I now apparently crap money, so that's gotta be good.

A woman should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him to find her.

No truer words were ever spoken.

I don't really know what it was like to be single. Sure I was single all throughout high school. Except for those two magical prom nights (HEY, DAVID!). But seriously I didn't have a boyfriend, I didn't "date" and I was...okay with that. Maybe that's just me. It's not that I tried to isolate myself or didn't want to ever go out...I just didn't. I knew what I wanted. I wanted a Baptist preacher. And I knew I wasn't going to find one at Wild Bill's. (HEY AUDRY!)

Maybe I was just odd. I never attended a high school football game. I worked every friday night (HEY DIPPER DAN'S!). I didn't feel the need to "cruise" around with a boy, I friggin owned my own mustang, if I wanted to look cool and cruise, I did that alone. And I never particularly went on the "prowl" for a man.

There was one night that I went with two friends to a bar in Gainesville and I stayed maybe ten minutes. First of all I was pissed that I had to pay a "cover charge", what a FRIGGIN rip off, you're going to charge me just to come into your place of business?! Secondly I wasn't going to drink. Thirdly for those of you who haven't figured this out, I'M WHITE, so I don't dance...So I spent my ten minutes looking at the people around me, figuring out that I am WAY out of element here and realizing that if I wouldn't want to spend time in a place like this what would make me think I would want to find a boyfriend from a place like this.

And I'm not trying to belittle people who go to bars, if that's your thing, have at it. But DON'T go, pick up sorry men there and then complain that "there's no good men left in the world". Ummm hello, but the world is full of good men but you're not going to find them "dead drunk, shirt half unbuttoned, acting a fool, 9:30 on a Tuesday night". If this is when and where you're looking, STOP IT NOW. Instead get up early on Sunday morning, take the time then to do your hair and look your best and show up for church.

My point is, I'm no dating expert, I went from never having a boyfriend to being engaged six weeks later and I've never looked back. So I can't totally comprehend what it's like being single while all of your friends are married. I don't know how if feels to attend wedding after wedding thinking "when is it my turn"? I can't say "I've been there" or "I know what you're going through" or even "it'll all work out". I don't know when it'll be your turn, or where your future husband is or why he isn't with you right now or IF it'll even all be okay in the end...But I do know the One who does.

I am truly convinced that God let me enjoy working as much as I did in high school to keep me preoccupied. Idle hands are the devil's workshop and left to my own devices I would have self-destructed. God knew me well enough to know this. Being the normal hormonal teenage girl that I was given the right opportunity I would have screwed my life up. Of this I have no doubt. I would have dated the wrong one. Done the wrong things and gone to the wrong places.

God gave me a friend (as I would find out much later), to take me to prom. And then God just let me wait. He didn't parade a line full of eligible men my way and let me pick. He didn't open any more doors for anyone else to ask me out. And he didn't give me an all out desire to go on a "man hunt". He just told me to be patient and wait. And I did.

A few short months later God sent me my Baptist preacher. Casey and Alicia set us up on our first (blind) date which just so happened to be at church. (Coincidence? I think not). Now on the way when Craig called Casey to let him know he was running about five minutes late Casey did tell him "man did I mention to you that she's black?" Craig said "oh well, doesn't matter to me, I'm already dressed, I'm going to take her out anyway". (God has to love a good sense of humor)!

Give me a few short minutes and I'll bring my remarks to a close...(funny for those who know).

I don't claim to have had to wait as long as some of you have and I'm not going to pretend that it won't hurt if you don't have someone right now. But I do give myself credit for at least knowing where I did not want to find my future husband and not bothering to look there. I also knew what traits I wanted. (And I was pretty flippin specific: Baptist preacher). I'm not saying you have to be that picky but at least set some standard of values that you're looking for and if a man doesn't meet those then don't waste your time.

God made you in His image. That's pretty spectacular. He made you beautiful, wait for a man that sees that. He gave you all of your individual traits and he hand crafted you! The best part is in eternity past He looked to eternity future and picked out your help meet. He made you to compliment each other. He made you to fit together. He is the ultimate match maker! (Who do you think set up Adam and Eve)?!

It thrills my soul to think that God spent so much time pondering on each of us before time even began, to decide who would be funny...who would be quiet (like me...), who would be the life of the party always in the spotlight and who would be the strong back bone behind the scenes making it all work. And then He, in His infinite wisdom picked out our perfect match! And even though He took it so seriously and He spent time and labor making sure it was perfect according to His plan we take it so lightly.

We so often times don't even include God in our plan to search for a mate. We look for qualities that God is going "hello, I didn't instill that gift in them...step away from the steele drums, STEP AWAY, it's not what you're after!...*sigh* you were supposed to marry a doctor...you two were going to have a great medical mission and reach many lost souls, you were going to help heal in My name....but I mean the hippie band thing is good too....I'll see what I can do with that..."

I'm not going to lie to you, I enjoy me some good tv. I tear up new episodes of the Bachelor or Bachelorette. You put 25 highly emotional women in a house with some drama and let them wrestle for one pilot...that's good tv, I can't deny it. But am I ever recommending that you "vie for man's attention like that" or "cry as he picks some other floozie over you" or "compete for 'one on one' dates"? Absolutely not.

If a man wants to impress you tell him you don't need to "win a date card" just tell him to show up and take you to church. Tell him to come fifteen minutes early for your date so he has time to go inside and get to know your mama and your daddy. Tell him he can save his money on the flowers but open your door for you. Explain to him that you're important enough for him to date exclusively and if he doesn't realize that than he's not the one.

Or finally get this printed on a t-shirt: "A woman should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him to find her". If he doesn't notice what it says that means he's looking into your eyes, paying attention to you, trying to figure out your soul and if you're the right one for him. Kudos for him. If he smugly trys to ask you what your shirt means, disregard that one, he's staring directly at your boobs.

Postal Much?

Why is it that when the post office fails to deliver a letter for 73 years (front page of Yahoo this morning) everyone is amazed when if finally gets there and everyone's all like "ooooohhhh aaaahhhhh that certainly is a blast from the past". And then the story concludes with "the post office is going to hand deliver this letter to the family" UMMMM HELLLLLOOOO! That's the post office's job, to DELIVER letters! Preferably NOT 73 years later. And why is it that when the post office loses a letter it becomes a funny heartwarming story but when I loose a jail file it results in people yelling and me getting written up?

And to top it all off the letter was from a nun to another nun urging her to stay put at the convent and encouraging her to give life "as a nun" a chance. Well she never got that letter of encouragement and ended up leaving the convent to get married and have a family.

Now I don't claim to know what path this woman's life was supposed to take but what if she was supposed to be a nun all along and that plan got derailed thanks in some part to the post office and the "undelivered letter".

If I was the post office I'd watch out because God just might be ticked..

Tastes Like Chicken...

Actually it tastes like bacon. "It" being my water. I have come to the conclusion that the universe doesn't like me trying to be healthy.

First it was the city water. I complained for a month that it tasted like dirt. The people around me said it was all in my mind. I argued something was desperately wrong with it and lo and behold come to find out it was full of ALGAE. Yuck. Let's hope all the nay-sayers think better of it before they question The Shan again...

Anyway so I've been bringing my own water from home. We have delicious yummy well water and this has worked out fine until today. I have three plastic water bottles that I've been refiling and refrigerating each night.

Well today as soon as I took the first sip I thought I smelled bacon. Hmmmm. It wasn't totally unpleasant, I mean I like bacon as much as the next guy. In fact, probably more. Bacon is good on a sandwich...on a salad...by itself...really now that I think about it there's not really a food that bacon and cheese CAN'T improve. But it's not something that you want to drink.

I kept drinking and the bacon twang got stronger. I tried a different bottle and it was the same. I entertained the thought that maybe I was on the verge on BPA poisoning myself since I'm transporting my H2O in containers apparently riddled with dangerous chemicals and "death traps" (according to the Yahoo story of the day about how everything we could possibly eat or drink IS trying to kill us). Did you see that apples are on the most dangerous food list now because of the pesticides, COME ON UNIVERSE, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! But after I calmed down and thought about how I probably do have BPA poisoning I had never heard that it smelled or tasted like bacon and that's something likely to come up because it seems that vegans could use something like that in their various "meats"...BACK ON FRIGGIN TOPIC:

The only logical explanation is that a hog has fallen in and drowned in our well. One time our water started tasting funky and got worse and worse and it was found out that a rat had drowned in there. So now I've concluded that we have a very dead pig in our drinking water.

I'm not positive but I may go back to drinking the algae.

Let's call them Regina and Ken

I know two people, we'll call them Regina Phalange and Ken Adams.

The facts:
-They dated when they were teenagers
-Regina Phalange went on to marry another
-Ken Adams never married and apparently pined away silently to himself
-Fast forward a decade and Regina Phalange is now a divorcee
~ENTER THE SHAN~
-It is found out that Ken Adams STILL LOVES Regina Phalange (after all these years)!

I really want to intervene but if I do inevitably one will either turn out to be a felon or a gay flight attendant because that's just HOW GOOD my match-making skills are.

Best Laid Plans

Sometimes I hear pregnant people talk about their "plans" after the baby comes. What sleep schedule they "plan" to get him on. How they "plan" to feed him only homemade organic baby food that they make themselves. How they "plan" to use cloth diapers and grow their own food and recycle and get eight hours of sleep every night and dress in matching outfits and always send Christmas cards on time and YOU KNOW WHAT, babies don't give a crap about your "plans". Babies have got plans of their own.

You don't plan for an infant to have an ear infection and cry for three hours straight until you pray to God that you, yourself will just go deaf for a little peace and quiet. You don't plan for the baby to throw up all over the brand new shirt right before you leave for church. You don't ever plan on giving your toddler mountain dew in his sippy cup but SOMETIMES YOU NEED THAT AS A BARGAINING CHIP!

You also can't possibly plan to love a child like you do your own. There's no way you can know before you hold that baby in your arms the absolute impact he's going to have on your life. How you'll truly feel like a tiny piece of your heart now resides outside of your body. You'll feel God's love for you more than you ever have and you'll be totally amazed that He trusts you with one of His own, even if just for a little while.

So while you're pregnant you may have your fantasies about what life will be like once the baby gets here but even with the best laid plans you never expect to wake up from a nap and find a pile of poo in your floor, BESIDE the potty chair...but sometimes it happens.

Pizza, Pizza!

Including one frozen pizza (which part of was sent to the funeral home), one slice of sbarro, three pizza hut pizzas (all with different toppings), one night out with angela, maria, bec & coop, one night home with coop and craig, a couple of trips to the mall, countless lunches alone in my office, nibbling at the counter and one cold breakfast: IN THE LAST SEVEN DAYS I HAVE EATEN PIZZA A TOTAL OF NINE TIMES!

I feel like this is a record and not the good kind.

Domestic Partners.

This probably should have come under the "things that Kristi and Shelli would not say" but anyway...

Mom and myself were at the mall the other day and we came across a Mattress Giant and I convinced her to go in. I learned the other day that she hasn't had a new mattress in like 20 years...

So we start in the door, (me, mom and Coop) and I tell the eager looking sales guy "Hey we're domestic partners and looking for a new mattress". My mom just stood there in shock and the sales guy doesn't skip a beat and goes "hey I only want to sell you a mattress, what you do with it or on it is none of my business".

I love shopping with mom. :)

The Irresistible Urge TO KNOW

We were at the mall on saturday and Cooper and I took a break and sat on the ledge surrounding the fountain. We occupied our time by counting the endless streams of teenagers who paraded by in skinny jeans and gladiator sandals. Sometimes together, sometimes as stand alone, never as a good choice. Cooper soon grew bored of this.

I got some of his matchbox cars out and we played with them on the ledge. I kept cautioning him, "don't throw them in the fountain" to which he would cock his head, move the car a little closer to the edge and say "brrmmm brrmmm water?" Again I would shake my head and say, "no, do not throw your brrmmm brrmmm in the water or it'll be gone".

I could tell in his eyes that nothing would delight him more than if he did in fact throw at least one brrmmm brrmmm in the water. (Except maybe if he found out that all the skinny jeans in the whole world were in simultaneously catch on fire, never to be re-created again). Cooper showed great will power in the fact that he didn't act on his impulses. And God love the kid, he comes by his quirky "NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW" attitude honest. He may have gotten Craig's good looks, Craig's funny personality, but by goodness he got the CURIOUSNESS from me.

I have never walked past a "wet paint" sign that I didn't feel the need to literally touch the wall and see if it was ACTUALLY wet.

Sometimes from high places I grip the railing and have an overwhelming urge to see exactly what would happen if I flung myself off.

Every cruise ship I've ever been on his resulted in my at some point leaning way over the side and wondering "would I make it if I fell off now?...what about now?....now?..."

There's a soap dispenser in the bathroom at work that always has a glob of soap that oozes from the top. I touch it EVERY SINGLE TIME. (This may be more OCD, I'm not sure).

The point is if someone says "don't" or if it's just one of the those unwritten rules, like "don't fling yourself from tall buildings" I still wonder "why?" and "what if"...

So for now the brrmmm brrmmms are safe from the fountain but as for the gladiator sandals, I hope they meet their demise soon.

Not Your aVeRaGe Preacher's Wife

Things That I do (and find quite normal), that maybe you wouldn't expect, say Shelli Fuller or Kristi Gerrells to do:

~own a shirt with a picture of a donkey that says "I'M A SMART ONE..."
~laugh uncontrollably during a funeral
~drink orange juice from a shot glass
~facebook stories about 'poo'
~wear my husband's underwear when I run out
~occasionally let my child eat cheetos off the floor
~use phrases like "damn the devil to hell"
~say "well I'm ready to the get the flock outta here"
~refer to myself in the third person...a lot...
~list 'Weekend at Bernie's' and 'Tommyboy' among favorite movies
~send eaten pizza to a funeral
~watch an entire season of 'Big Brother' in three days
~let my 2 year old stay up until we do...usually around midnight
~start a blog and make the first post about their 'abnormalities'